Being diplomatic without sacrificing the message

Medical Laboratory Observer, Feb, 2004 by Christopher S. Frings

Q My manager has told me that I am too assertive and that I border on being aggressive. She said that I need to be more diplomatic. I am very effective in getting positive outcomes from my team. How can I be more diplomatic (and, therefore, less assertive and aggressive) without sacrificing the message? I asked my manager this question, and she said, "Just try harder."

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A Good communications skills are essential for the successful manager. You must be able to get your message across and empower the receivers. You also need to be diplomatic. Deliver your message in a manner that honors the person receiving it. Honoring means being sensitive that you are dealing with a person that someone loves (e.g., someone's mother, father, son, or daughter). It does not mean that you have to like the person.

Alton Sturtevant points out, "It sounds like you may have a 'dominant' personality trait as defined by some trait-evaluation models. The owner of this trait tends to be very straightforward with little or no sugar coating applied when approaching most situations. I am one of these types and tend to get right to the point. Our interactions tend to skip pleasantries in conversation. We are not malicious, just to the point. This does come across as being pushy or aggressive. I have been 'trying harder' for 30 years as a manager. One thing that helped me was a one-day training course our lab conducted. The purpose of the training was to recognize the management/personality traits of each manager and supervisor. The managers were tested using the trait test, which categorized us into one of four types: dominant, influencer, steadiness, and conscientious. The training helped us to recognize our own traits, as well as those of our fellow employees. We also learned how each of the four types best receives incentives and disincentives to perform. The study sessions involved group discussion and case studies to help us learn this valuable management tool."

Dr. Sturtevant adds, "Perhaps you should suggest training along these lines to your manager to help you and your fellow workers. If training is not available through your institution, you should avail yourself of it on your own time and expense to polish your management skills. This will make you a better manager and person, and will pay off in promotions and satisfaction."

According to Larry Crolla, "Since I do not know your style of business, I will guess and say that being more diplomatic may mean being more participative in your approach to your team. Instead of saying this is the way I want it done, you can ask for suggestions on how to accomplish a certain task or project. Also stand back and review your actions after a meeting (e.g., analyze your gestures, actions, and speech to see if they were aggressive). You may have to practice toning down your assertiveness and give others a chance to participate. You will find the truth of your actions from this personal analysis, if you do it honestly."

Marti Bailey points out, "Simply put, diplomacy is the verbal art of pleasing--or at least staying on good terms with--most people most of the time. This does not mean misrepresenting the truth in order to keep people happy. But it does mean communicating in such a way that people feel like their interaction with you has been respectful and positive. The word 'verbal' in the definition clearly conveys that communication is basic to diplomacy. With this in mind, you might think of diplomacy as the packaging for what you need to communicate. Your manager is not alone in expecting more than just positive outcomes. The road leading to the positive outcome is just as important as the outcome itself. I believe your manager is asking you to build and maintain positive relationships with your staff. Like it or not, it is not enough to be skilled at everything except relationships. When your boss uses terms such as 'too assertive and aggressive' to describe you, I would take this very much to heart. I think she is looking for a softer, kinder you that still gets the effective outcomes needed. Learning diplomacy skills will be beneficial not only in the short term but also for preparing you to move to the next level--if, indeed, you are interested in advancement.

"So, how do you go about developing diplomacy skills? I suggest you begin by realizing that working around, over, or through people to get things done is no longer state of the art. Instead, you need to work with people, letting them participate in the problem-solving process, helping them to understand the viewpoints of others, and moving them toward common ground so that everyone can buy into the solution. Diplomacy requires treating people with utmost respect. This can only be accomplished by mastering tact. Tactful people do and say things kindly so that no one is offended. But tact is not just saying things the right way. It is also practicing the right behaviors. You can start yourself on the way to becoming a tactful person by practicing the following: (1,2)