'Amazing … I can't believe I'm sober!'

Drug Store News, Nov 19, 1990 by Elizabeth Richardson

`Amazing... I can't believe I'm sober!'

The monster's finally in the cage for Danny McCarty, a 40-year-old recovering pharmacist from San Antonio, Texas. After 15 years of drug and alcohol abuse, Danny will celebrate eight years of sobriety in December.

His story is not unlike others. In fact he describes it as "very archetypical. . . so generic that it's unreal." But it was very real for him and those around him who watched him self-destruct for 15 long years.

His dependency started during pharmacy school. It was the '70s and "drugs were still fun." But Danny kept trying to repeat the fun over and over in various situations in his life. Before he even graduated, the "fun" was over. "Life was a constant, continual crisis," he said. His first marriage dwindled away, yet his "party" attitude didn't subside.

He describes himself in the workplace as "reclusive and particularly sloppy." But when things would get bad, he would take a week off from drugs (mainly Valium and narcotics) and applaud himself as he drank a quart of whiskey a day instead.

"My life was spent looking behind me and seeing the people that I hurt. . . family, friends, colleagues," he said. "And I was constantly scared, especially of the board [of pharmacy]. You lose your job and you lose your income, and most importantly you lose your source of drugs - and that's a terrifying thought."

With a second marriage on the rocks, Danny went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to appease his wife. "I just wanted the griping to stop. But it was the best `mistake' I ever made." Somewhat bleary-eyed, he attempted to tell everyone he was just fine. By the end of the meeting, his wife had arranged for him and a friend to visit a treatment center.

It was then he discovered that other people had the same problems he did, with one important exception. "They were all happy. And I hadn't been happy in 15 years. I decided then that I wanted to be happy, too."

He went cold turkey during treatment, except for occasional doses of Dilantin (the doctors were worried about seizures). "The first three weeks were living hell. I went eight days without sleep and suffered from hallucinations. The physical symptoms were short-lived but the mental aberrations were amazing. It was terrifying because I was delirious and sometimes didn't even know my own phone number or what I'd eaten for breakfast. "That's when you begin to wonder what you've done to yourself. They kept telling me it was temporary. . . that it would go away. But you begin to wonder if you really did scramble your brains."

Fifteen months later, his body was free of its 15 years of drugs and alcohol (experts believe it takes one month for every year of abuse to rid the body of the substances). His first day back at work was one of the scariest in his life. "Suddenly, you're right back in the candy store. The first day I counted out Tylenol #3s and I said, `they're right here in front of me. . . as long as I don't take these, I don't have a problem.' Click! That did it. That instantaneous message cleared the air for me."

That feeling never goes away. Even eight years down the road, he says that he says to himself, two to three times an hour, "Amazing. . . I can't believe I'm sober! I can't believe I'm sober!" But he can't afford to think about ever turning back to drugs and alcohol: "I have a very healthy marriage, three beautiful kids, a circle of friends that are wonderful and I get out of bed every morning enjoying life," he says. "I didn't do that for 15 years.

`I lived in anesthesia'

"It's like someone gives you a very special gift and you use it everyday. It's almost like if you were blind your whole life, then someone gave you a pair of eyes so you could see. It's a miracle to me that I was so blind to everything around me for so long. I lived in anesthesia. Well, now I can see."