The big picture; Marriage: the art of compromise - demographics of marital arguments

American Demographics, Feb, 1998

They say marriage is the art of compromise. If that's true, there may be hope for the future of the institution. The things marrieds argue about haven't changed in recent years, but the way they resolve the arguments has.

The issue of whether to save or spend money has become somewhat more contentious, as have discussions about expenses other than food and clothing. Otherwise, married people are about as likely to argue about most subjects as they have been since the late 1970s. The real shift has been in who wins. Or rather, whose turn it is. The most common response to the question "who wins?" is that "it varies." Between 40 and 47 percent of those who argue a lot about such things say that neither spouse usually prevails in arguments about spending or saving money, which TV program to watch, household expenses, whether to go out, what to do on weekends, where to go out for dinner, how to spend vacations, which friends to socialize with, the proper role of women, and career decisions. In 1989, compromise was the most common response for only three of these issues: weekends, restaurants, and vacations.

Things aren't entirely equitable. Wives tend to win out in all other areas, including a clear majority who usually prevail in arguments about how the house is kept and clothing spending. Between 40 and 43 percent also dominate disagreements about how to discipline children and how much money to give them, food expenditures, and how often to entertain at home. In 1989, the only battle husbands clearly dominated was the one over the remote. That year, 40 percent of husbands usually won the Great TV Debate, compared with 30 percent of wives. By 1996, both husbands and wives had given up some ground in the interests of compromise. (P.S. The survey didn't ask about sex.)