The rocky road to adulthood

American Demographics, May, 1996 by Marcia Mogelonsky

GOOD REASONS

Young men are especially likely to hang out with their parents for an indefinite period. "Young women make transitions to new family roles at younger ages," write Goldscheider, Thornton, and Young-DeMarco. They "marry at earlier ages than men, and they are more likely than young men the same age to cohabit with partners who are able to support an independent residence based both on age and on earnings."

Women often have more incentive than men to minimize their time in parents' homes. "The young men I speak to don't lose their autonomy when they go home," says Haddock. "They can pretty much do what they want. But women find that they have more responsibilities when they go home. They feel obligated to help more around the house with cooking and cleaning. They also have more rules to obey."

"The traditional division of labor within the household has a lot to do with the expectations that surround returning home. Young men in general find it easier," says Frances Goldscheider. "They aren't expected to contribute to certain aspects of household organization in the way young women are." Amy Haber can relate to this. While living with her parents and saving for a home, she paid only a token amount of rent. Her main contribution to the household was being on call to help with shopping and other errands.

Some young women find that being on their own, even if it means having to economize, is worth it for the privacy it brings. "I may not have the best stereo in the world," says one young woman who lives alone in a studio apartment. "But I also don't have to explain why my boyfriend is still here in the morning."

There is one way in which young women are less willing to cope, however. They are much less likely to take a chance on living alone if they feel their safety is being compromised. "If a young woman cannot afford to live in a safe neighborhood, she will chose to live at home rather than try to live alone," says Nancy Woodhull, scholar-in-residence and director of media studies at the University of Rochester in Rochester, New York. "Women put their personal safety first, even if it means having to live at home."

Few parents will turn away a child in need of physical, emotional, or financial security, no matter how old that child is. But those who looked forward to an empty nest may find that having it refeathered by adult children is nothing to crow about. "Some young adults complain about having to follow rules, and help around the house. But that's nothing compared to the parents," says Haddock. "Many parents feel that they did something wrong. They are relieved to find out they're not the only ones to have their grown kids return."

"As long as my children were doing something responsible with their lives, there was no problem with having them at home," says Marilyn O'Connor, whose two sons lived at home for varying periods of time before and after college. "My husband, however, always felt differently. He felt that if they were so responsible, why weren't they living on their own?"