Raising competent kids: The authoritative parenting style

* Open communication: The dog, sick and old, needs to be put to sleep. Depending on the age of the child, this is a time to discuss death, mourning, and moving on, while not forgetting. Listening to children's viewpoints and letting them have some say in problem solving encourages them to become participants in decision making, not recipients of an already-made decision. If children disappoint, disobey, disgust, or discourage the parents, they can discuss the problem openly and find alternative acceptable behaviors.

* Trust, acceptance, and psychological autonomy: Kit wants to take dance lessons this fall; by spring it will be horseback riding, and then tennis will be the hot activity in the summer. The child is testing herself-where do her interests and talents lie? Does she always need to do what her friends do? Authoritative parents follow children's needs, encouraging those interests or talents the child wants to pursue. Children feel trusted and accepted, giving them the tools to make good decisions. They develop responsibility to themselves and to their family. They understand that they have the responsibility to behave in an acceptable manner.

* Knowing what the child is doing: Authoritative families set expectations for family members. Family members indicate where they will be, how they can be reached, and what time they are expected home. This gives everyone a sense of security, re-emphasizes the importance of the family, and provides a safety net should anything happen.

* Find alternatives to conflict: Twoyear-old Kenny wants the toynow! But the toy is broken and dangerous. To avoid the impending tantrum, Kenny's parent distracts the toddler with another attractive toy. All families experience conflict. That is the nature of living closely with others, especially as children try to establish their autonomy. How that conflict is handled is crucial to the child's development. Compromise and negotiation, for instance, can enhance the child's problem-solving skills and lead to mutually agreeable solutions. The irony and hypocrisy when father says, "You must not ever hit people," as he spanks his son, is not lost on many children. Setting a good example for problem solving helps children develop problem-solving skills.

The authoritative parenting style sends several messages to the child. It says: We trust you to make good decisions, we are behind you, we will be there if you need us, you can talk to us about difficult situations, we will help you as you learn, and we expect you to do your best. Although physical punishments will remain part of parenting for some, it is not necessary in raising a child. And it can have harmful side effects. Physical punishment appears to be more for the convenience or needs of the parent than for the good of the child. Parents, however, often know no alternative. As parents, we should strive to guide our children in age-appropriate ways. Mistakes are normal, and we need to give the child alternative ways of learning and handling problems. The bottom line is that an authoritative style of raising kids leads to competent kids, and is fun and rewarding for both parents and children.