Virtual Intimate Privacy: The Perfect Mediation State

Journal for Quality and Participation, The, Summer 2004 by Linden, John

Simple things you can do to improve your work today

In book after book I read about mediation, much attention is paid to the "environment" in which the mediation takes place. In mediations I pay a lot of attention to the environment, including purchasing fresh flowers at my own expense and doing anything I can to make the ambience of the room more conducive to agreement. In the last five years of mediation, involving more than 700 cases and 3,000 hours of face-to-face time, including the facilitation of the World Trade Center online discussion following the face-to-face session in New York City, I have tried to apply this environmental factor in all cases.

The idea of "virtual intimate privacy" is a concept I first introduced in the article, "Face to Face vs. Online Facilitation: What to Put at the World Trade Center Site?" (http://www.mediate.com, October 2002). In this article, I will expand the concept and elaborate on how to utilize it to handle and facilitate the most intransigent mediations.

The Mediation Environment

The concept of creating the most conducive environment is covered in almost every basic mediation book. The use of bright colors, proper HVAC, flowers, and bright, comfortable lighting are almost second nature to most experienced mediators. But what if we take this practice to the extreme?

I imagined that I was an actual party in mediation, rather than a mediator, and I asked myself, "What is the most comfortable environment I could be in?" It did not take me very long to come up with the answer to that question - I would want my own space, an environment of my control, where I would feel totally at home or at ease.

Continuing this extrapolation and playing it out to its extreme, I thought, "In fact, the most comfortable place in the whole world for me to participate in a mediation would be in my home office in my own chair with music in the background and a cup of coffee at my side."

This might seem an impossible situation, but is it really?

The Concept of Virtual Intimate Privacy

Almost every experienced mediator has encountered a situation, probably dozens of situations, when during a caucus one party becomes so comfortable, so relaxed, and so "safe" that amazing things are shared. I realize this has occurred when parties spontaneously start discussing highly intimate information they normally would not tell a stranger; however, by this time, the mediator is no longer a stranger because a very high level of rapport has developed between the party and the mediator.

When a party becomes this relaxed, he/she is in a state of "virtual intimate privacy," living within his/her own mind with willingness to take the mediator along. Perhaps the best example of this state is the metaphor of lying on the psychiatrist's couch. The idea is to get the party into a state where his/her mind can wander within itself and put loose ends together. At the same time, the party is verbalizing this to the mediator, expressing the mental pathways that are being processed. In most cases, the party is searching, seeking, trying to be understood while also trying to grasp at a solution - a resolution to the conflict at hand. The mediator becomes aware of this mental brainstorming in the party's mind; thus, the mediator and the party take a deep trip inside the feelings and perceptions of the party.

This condition is the most conducive state that a mediator can induce. When in this state, parties are very open to suggestions that make sense to them. They process these suggestions in their minds during this free mental brainstorming session. The opportunity is precious to a mediator and should never be squandered.

Inducing a State of Virtual Intimate Privacy

Now that I've explained the state, I'll introduce a process for inducing the state of virtual intimate privacy. Actually, there are many ways to create this environment, but two factors are most important to the process - the rapport that the mediator builds and the environment in which the party finds himself/herself.

Creating a physical environment that imitates the party's most comfortable environment is essential to inducing a state of virtual intimate privacy. I asked myself, "How could I get the party into the most comfortable environment of his/her own preference?" The answer was clear; instead of replicating the preferred environment, I could do the mediation online, making it possible for the party to be in the actual preferred environment.

In fact, that approach may enhance the situation even more in the following ways:

* As noted by Katsch and Rifkin in their book, Online Dispute Resolution: Resolving Conflicts in Cyberspace, this situation allows all participants, the mediator, and the parties to compress time and space.

* It changes the dynamic so that an immediate face-to-face response is not required from either the other party or the mediator. It allows the other participants to read the comment carefully and then craft their responses.

* Because people are not in an unfamiliar room, facing each other at a table, it is much easier to avoid emotional conflict and to achieve virtual private intimacy, fostering agreement and a resolution in mediation.