What do you do when parents show no respect for school employees?

After 25 years in the high school classroom, I have learned that most parents who "don't respect" teachers or staff members are scared. Parents of out-of-control ers or of kids who are failing or misbehaving already know that they have a problem. Some want the school to do what they have been unable to do.

I often start by sympathizing with them, in. I tell them I was a single mom raising a son and daughter alone and know their frustrations. Most parents, at least those who aren't crazy relax when I start that way. I also usually tell them something positive about their child, which lets them know I don't hate their kid.

Some parents are irrational, however, and. for them, you have to keep things simple and clear about their child's behavior. Don't overload them. For example, I'll say. "Johnny needs to be here on time every day, and he needs to bring his books. Can you see that he does that?"

Maggie Bartley High school social studies teacher Burtonsville. Maryland

The worst thing that a teacher could do would be to respond in kind to the disrespectful parent. This is often tough and seems to go against our human nature, but true professionals address the situation and goals for their students, program, or school.

If parents have been disrespectful during previous encounters, have a third party--a colleague or administrator-present at future conferences. 0 Parents should be allowed to speak their opinions. but in a nonthreatening manner.

Finally, after a negative exchange, we should reflect on how we may have contributed to a parent s behavior or opinion. I have apologized many times for things I've said that were misconstrued.

Susie Stevens High school biology and chemistry teacher Ada, Oklahoma

When parents are disrespectful, you do want to communicate with them for the student's sake. This is where notes come in handy. They're a one-way street--no angry outbursts, blame or public scenes here!

When writing notes, remember that you are a professional. Concentrate on the child. Also, carefully choose your wording so there is no innuendo or double meaning

Do not give up. The student is look ing to you for guidance.

Marcia Chambers Fourth grade teacher Lancaster, Wisconsin

During my many years as an educator I have certainly been faced with parents who show no respect for school employees.

The only thing that l know to do is to continue to show respect for them-to model" respectful behavior.

I also acknowledge their feelings. I don't say, I know how you feel,"as that has become trite. But I would say something like, "I respect what you are saying and can imagine your frustration."

Some years ago, when I was the director of a camp, a parent became very, very angry with me. Students participating in the camp were required to turn in medical and parental permission slips.

On one occasion, a teenage boy got sick and had to be sent home. I could not reach his father-who had signed the permission slip-but did reach the boy's grandmother, who was the alternate person listed. She. in turn, gave me the name of the boy's mother, and. eventually, the mother came to get her son.

Oh, what trouble! I got a phone call from the father, who started screaming.

"What kind of people work here?" he shouted. "Did you know that I have custody of my son, and I do not want him to be with his mother?"

First, l calmly told him that, as director, I was solely responsible for the decision.

"Well, I have my lawyer!" he responded.

"I will help you in any way that I can in solving this problem," I said, "and please call me whenever you wish."

I never heard from this man-or his lawyeragain. I believe that the interaction was successful because, instead of negating his feelings, I showed understanding and offered to help him resolve his problem if I could.

Barbara Joan Grubman Elementary teacher Los Angeles, California

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