Campus Advisor

Black Collegian, Oct 2003 by Parker, Linda Bates

Dear Campus Advisor:

I have somewhat of a problem. I am a very generous person. I grew up in a family where I learned to give at an early age. I am naturally good-natured and can't seem to stay angry at anyone for more than five minutes - which brings me to my problem. I am constantly sharing things with my roommates and other students. I come home to my dorm room and look for clothing items and food, only to find they have been taken by one of my roommates. I don't want to seem as if I'm complaining, but they constantly borrow things without my permission. This really bothers me, especially when I really need them. Some of my other friends say that I'm being taken advantage of, that these roommates are taking my kindness for a weakness. I've never been a confrontational person; I've always been the one to turn the other cheek. I'm all alone here at school, and I don't want to start a conflict with the people I live with. I want people to respect me and my belongings, not just expect me to make all of my things available to them. Please, campus advisor, I need to learn how to deal with this now, or I'll never be able to.

Signed,

Don't Want To Be a Push-Over

Dear Don't Want To be a Push-Over,

You are nota push-over yet, just a very nice person learning to negotiate in a sometimes cruel world. Your generous spirit is rare these days. You have good core values of which you should be proud. Your parents raised you the right way. Many people are not fortunate enough to be this giving, without expecting something in return. Unfortunately, as you are learning, your good-natured behavior has become a magnet ior those with less values or integrity who are either thoughtless or looking for someone to rip off. Just remember not everyone is like that. Some deserve your friendship; others do not. It's time for you to assert your rights and expectations to your roommates. You will need to do this now, before your concerns turn to anger and conflict. You have already demonstrated your willingness to share, so now you must demonstrate your unwillingness to share with those who choose to abuse you or your belongings. Pick a day to have a Sister-to-Sister roommate discussion. You may want to involve a resident advisor for the dorm in this discussion. Invite open dialogue on how you are doing as roommates in valuing and respecting the property of others. In this session, you will need to declare that some of your things are off limits. Make clear what they are. Get a small locker or a lockable dresser for your personal things that you don't want to share. Keep it locked. With your roommates, explore any other agreements you'd like to have regarding sharing belongings. You should not feel obligated to share all that you have with others, and neither should they. Real friends are there with you whether you have things to share or not. Please stay the nice person that you are, but learn also to assert yourself and to speak up for yourself. These are very important life lessons. So learn them now.

In your relationships with your roommates, balance kindness and assertiveness, and you will correct the problem you write about. In so doing, you will give your roommates an opportunity to learn how to be more thoughtful than they are now. You will give them an example to follow.

Linda Bates Parker is the director of the Career Development Center at the University of Cincinnati.