Too many choices can be frustrating to children

Teaching Pre K-8, Jan 1998 by Kines, Barbara

Can you relate to the following conversation?

"What kind of ice cream do you want, Susie?"

"What kind do they have?"

"Well, there's chocolate, vanilla, rocky road, coffee, strawberry and mint chocolate chip. Then there's peaches 'n cream, mocha crunch, peanut butter swirl and orange or rainbow sherbet."

(Whining) "I don't knowwww."

"Think about it. They're dark brown, off-white, white with brown spots, pink, light green with spots, orange and pink, orange and white in one cone. What sounds good?"

(Increasingly frustrated) "I don't know."

"Hurry. Make up your mind. People are waiting."

"I'll take pink."

"Ice cream or yogurt?"

"Ice cream."

"Cake or sugar cone?"

"Whazzat?"

"One of them is flat on the bottom and the other is pointed."

"Flat."

"One scoops or two?"

"A big one."

"How about a topping? You could have chocolate chips, nuts, whipped cream, chocolate, caramel or marshmallow sauce on it. Want to try that?"

"Okay."

"Which?"

"I don't know."

"Don't talk to me in that tone, young lady! I'm about to decide you don't need ice cream at all.... Shall we eat it here or take it home?"

That's somewhat exaggerated, of course, but you get the idea. In the interests of autonomy or self-determination or a similarly high-minded principle, sometimes we give children entirely too many choices for them to handle.

Despite our best intentions, the result is not a feeling of power or enhanced self-esteem, but a confused, cranky and over-loaded child. For the very young, adults need to make all but the decision to offer ice cream. They can gradually increase the number of choices that are appropriate for the child's age.

Constructive strategy. Properly used, choice can be a very constructive way of presenting a situation to children. Teachers say, "It's someone else's turn to work on the computer. Shall I set this timer to ring when two minutes are up, or shall I just tell you?"

Although there's no choice offered as to whether or not someone else gets a turn at the computer, the child retains a measure of control because he or she has some say. And transitions go more smoothly because of it.

Sometimes we make the mistake of giving choices when there really are none. When you say, "Do you want to come to lunch now?" the answer may very well be "No." Instead, try, "You'd better come in here quickly for lunch. There's a surprise."

We make dozens of choices every day, and we can simplify the process for children, increasing their autonomy as they grow.

From "Which seven friends would you like at your birthday party?" to "Which courses shall I choose for electives?" we have a chance to demonstrate and guide decision-making skills that last a lifetime.