magic of compliments, The

Teaching Pre K-8, Nov/Dec 1999 by Mann, Thomasina

A simple way to brighten someone's day.

"No Put-Downs Allowed." I see this rule posted in almost every classroom, and students agree there are now a lot fewer put-downs heard in the classrooms, hallways and outside at lunch.

"So, what's the opposite of a putdown?" I asked my fourth period class of seventh and eighth graders. Finally, the term "compliment" came from the back of the room. I then asked each student to write down the last time they'd received a genuine compliment. This wasn't an easy task. Grandparents were most often named as the given of these words of praise, admiration or congratulation.

Looking for clues. Aloud, I wondered why this was, only to be met with silence. I grew up when Leave It To Beaver and Father Knows Best were popular, and I remember hearing the characters compliment one another. The class brainstormed, trying to name TV programs where compliments were exchanged. Sesame Street seemed to be the only one. However, we were able to make an extensive list of shows where put,downs and sarcasm were mainstays.

When I mentioned that teachers give compliments, the retort was, "You have to; it's your job." I asked, "Don't parents compliment one another?" A few students commented that they'd never lived with two adults and so hadn't heard a parent being complimented.

That's cool! It dawned on me: maybe my students didn't know how to give a genuine compliment. The next day, we role played situations that called for a word of praise. The most commonly used word was "Cool!" It didn't matter if one was admiring a friend's platform sandals, hearing about someone's new baby brother or congratulating a classmate on winning a game. "Cool" seemed acceptable for it all.

The wisdom of giving. Middle school youngsters are often reluctant to speak up, but the floodgates opened as students told me that no one had ever taught them how to give or receive a compliment. Nor were they often complimented by peers. They agreed that they'd like to get more compliments. They were ready for the age-old wisdom: If you give, you will most certainly get. That's the magic of generosity.

We decided to practice giving and receiving compliments. We listed complimentary words on a wall chart. A compliment a day to a peer and one to an adult was the goal. Extra credit points were given whenever students found an example of a compliment in stories they read. We listened for compliments in the hallways. We made a bulletin board with complimentary phrases and photos of people who gave compliments.

The best compliment was when the custodian came to class unprompted and said how much it meant to him when the students paid him compliments. I was reminded that we have willing students, the chance to teach civility, and so many people in our day lives who are justly deserving of compliments.

*Thomasina Mann is a pseudonym for a Teaching K-8 reader. The column is undewritten by a grant from Texas Instruments. The views expressed in the column are those of the author.