Love in a Misogynistic Society

Off Our Backs, May/Jun 2004 by Christian, Sena

Man-Hating

The ironic outcome of the struggles and efforts by feminists to force attention to the misogynistic treatment and views toward women has led to a backlash, in which any feminist who voices her discontent with men and patriarchy is labeled a "man-hater." Although, it is women who are overwhelmingly subject to hatred, any acknowledgment of this makes feminists "man-haters." Indeed, cooptation-the process of appropriating a message and pretending it was yours all along-is a familiar and effective tool of the oppressor. Labeling feminists "man-haters" is a hegemonic strategy by which the dominant ideology and group maintain their power. It is a tool that has unfortunately been all too successful in silencing women who voice their anger and discontent as the issues of feminists are constantly redirected as attacks on men. It is a tool that vilifies, ridicules and dismisses the concerns and issues of the feminist movement in one sweeping motion.

Woman-Hating

There is no denying that in patriarchal societies a continuum of hatred-no matter how deliberate or passive-exists towards women. Violence against women clearly proves that. In the U.S., the treatment and attitudes toward prostitutes unmistakably illustrates the misogynistic hypocrisy of men, as well. Men create the conditions that promote the existence of prostitution, men make money off of pimping prostitutes, men pay for the use of prostitutes and men murder prostitutes, claiming to hate these women because they are whores. Women are constructed, positioned and represented as objects for male use, to be used, abused, discarded, loved and hated however men see fit.

Women and men exist as unequal political classes in the system of patriarchy, and so it is difficult to understand how love can truly exist between these two groups. It is common sense that in order to love something or someone you must first respect it. So is love only a way for men to conquer women and advance their dominance and power? Or do individual men really love women in their lives but have a hard time overcoming misogynistic messages thrown at them through discourses, ideologies and systems? Is love actually a source of agency for women; does it potentially subvert unequal power relations?

Love in a Feminist World

We know how to define what love is not. But what would love look like in a feminist and non-patriarchal world? Well, it would exist at more than just the isolated and interpersonal level. Love would not be oppressive and real love would bring liberation and equality. We would not have a discourse of love that tells us it is more acceptable and morally correct for people to engage in only heterosexual relationships. We would not have a discourse that encourages girls and women to turn their love away from other girls, women, sisters and mothers in an attempt to acquire the love of men. Women would not hesitate to love because it would no longer make them vulnerable to violence in intimate relationships. The search for love would not hinder our feminist struggles but would add to them. Gender would not determine who and how we love. Love of women would result in a world of positive images of women in advertising and the mass media. Men would not feel threatened by strong and powerful women but would love and admire them. Feminists who chose to love men would not risk compromising their political beliefs. Differences among girls and women would not be discouraged, but celebrated and loved. A woman would realize that the most important act in the fight against patriarchy is to love herself and other women. Love would not blind us to the reality of women's harsh and unequal conditions because this would not be our reality. Love would not be something that a girl or a woman had to earn, but something that she inherently and always already deserved.