Spice girls back sceptics on Europe

Spectator, The, Dec 14-21, 1996 by Montefiore, Simon Sebag

Aged between 18 and 24, the Spice Girls form a sort of political coalition, like any political party -- though the Eurosceptics have a basic 3-2 majority. There is even a militant tendency in the frizzy-haired, barebellied black figure (with a stud in her tongue) of Mel B, who is, if you like, the Clare Short of the Spice Girls. Her nickname is `Scary Spice'. There is blonde Emma, whose piquant charms resemble the young blonde Barbara Castle, and brunette Mel C, from a working-class Liverpudlian background, who looks rather like Edwina Currie. On the Right of the group, there is the elegant Victoria, who attended ballet school and is nicknamed `Posh Spice'; she is the Bill Cash of the Spice Girls who is even more obsessed with Maastricht than Gerri.

As in Major's Cabinet, the question on the agenda is Europe. Having once been a middle-of-the-road consensus party like John Major's Tories, the Spice Girls are now careering down the dangerous road to extreme Euroscepticism. The first big question was: will we ever join a single currency?

At first, the Spice Girls adopted the John Major/Kenneth Clarke formula of refusing to rule out joining. But Victoria 'Posh Spice' forced through her anti-European free-market policies: 'The whole European Federal plan is ridiculous. We are patriotic. The single currency is an outrage. We want the Queen's head - or the King's head if we have a king - on our own coins'

The hint about the accession of the Prince of Wales is an important one, Victoria made it very clear that the Spice Girls are legitimatists who fully support the monarchy as it is, and are determined that Prince Charles will rightfully succeed.

This led us to the future of the monarchy. 'As for the royals,' said Gerri, 'they're the best soap opera in the world. But also, if you look at our British Constitution as a big football match, they're like the most objective referees.'

Bagehot himself never put it so neatly. 'Spain's probably the best model for a monarchy,' said Victoria. 'My favourite is Princess Di!'

But Gerri did not agree. 'Prince Charles talks about faith and the environment, yet the media blame him for his divorce in a nation of divorcees. Well, the Spice Girls don't think he's done anything wrong. It's unfair what they say about him. He is a tolerant humanitarian. But best of all, he's a true eccentric. In the future, over time, we'll appreciate that. The media's wrong about him!'

`But the single currency is more important,' intervened Victoria.

`Britain was the first to break away from the Roman Empire,' argued Gerri. `When push comes to shove, the pounds, dollars and deutschmarks can't be equal. They can't all be at the same standard of living.'

`It's been a terrible trick on the British people,' said Victoria. The Bill Cash of the Spice Girls is outraged by `the impertinence of the bureaucrats in Brussels'. The rest of the party nodded as she worked her way up to a brilliant climax: `The Eurobureaucrats are destroying every bit of national identity and individuality. Let me give you an example -- those new passports are revolting, an insult to our kingdom, our independence. We must keep our national individuality.'