Spice girls back sceptics on Europe

Spectator, The, Dec 14-21, 1996 by Montefiore, Simon Sebag

`We travel throughout Europe,' said Gerri. `All those countries look the same. Only England looks different. That is why the Spice Girls are profoundly suspicious of Europe.'

When the more pro-European wing of the party, in the shape of Mel B and Emma, tried to oppose this filibuster, Victoria snapped, `Do you not care if some bloke in Germany is making decisions for us?'

Every party has now declared that there must be a referendum on the single currency, but the Spice Girls have gone further. Apart from Thatcher and in common with her, the Spice Girls cite Sir Winston Churchill as one of the main influences on their ideology - and music. I wonder if this refers to Sir John Colville's memories of Churchill singing Harrow School songs in his bath during the war?

`Yeah, partly,' said Victoria. `But our V for Victory and my smoking cigars are Churchillian,' mused Gerri as she drew out a long, thin and thoroughly un-Churchillian cigarillo, lit it, then threw me a V-sign.

I asked the 'class' question: `Churchill was the nephew of the Duke of Marlborough. Do you think we should ever again have an aristocratic prime minister?'

The Spice Girls applied a form of tolerant political correctness to that persecuted species, the aristocrat in politics. `We shouldn't be prejudiced against any background, poor or aristocratic. The middle class are the worst. We like the aristocrats,' said Mel in her broad Scouse accent.

The Spice Girls take a Burkean view of the growth of our landed aristocracy, our singular democracy and the monarchy. Indeed a Spice Girl may have the thighs and hot pants of a feeble hussy, but she possesses the heart and soul of a Tory country squire. These are old-fashioned Tories with the conservatism of the great Salisbury, the radicalism of Thatcher and the monarchical legitimism and sexual athleticism of Viscount Bolingbroke. Unlike Labour, they do not wish to tamper with the House of Lords.

`Earls and dukes are good for tourism,' said Victoria. `We admire marquesses as British ornaments.'

`Why shouldn't they be in Parliament?' asked Gerri rhetorically. `They're a mixed bag. A mixed bag is what you want in Parliament.' Even Lord St John of Fawsley never defined the Constitution so exquisitely.

The Spice Girls, facing this unprecedented wave of young voter support according to the polls, must now decide what to do at the election if there is a hung Parliament.

`If we were a party, there is no way we would form a government with Labour,' ruled Victoria. `No. Providing we had consulted with our members, we would indeed contemplate sharing power in a coalition with John Major.'

On the question of family values, the Spice Girls pointed to Scandinavia as their model for sexual education. `The old-fashioned Victorian family of 2.4 kids is dead forever,' said Gerri. `But every child needs one decent parent. They must learn honesty, openness about sex and tolerance:

`Is fidelity important?' `In an ideal world,' she said, `but it's almost impossible because the hormones get so out of control.'