Dear Mary...

Spectator, The, Jun 5, 1999 by Killen, Mary

Q. I wonder if you can help. I came down from university last summer and have been working ever since for a man who is famed the length and breadth of England for his odour. Opinion is divided as to its source (some suggest that it is a general unwashed body smell, while others claim to be able to pin it down specifically to old socks). Either way it is most unpleasant. He is not an old man, but has always lived on his own and has therefore lacked a civilising feminine influence on his personal habits. Everybody at work remarks upon the smell in an amused fashion, but for those of us who have to work in the same room it is beyond a laughing matter. And, as summer approaches, we fear that the situation can only get worse. As this man is my manager, and I am in any case on the bottom rung of the office hierarchical ladder, I feel that I cannot make some `light-hearted' comment to him on the subject. He is also very much someone who stands on his dignity, so that a joke at his expense would not go down well. Mary, I am relying on you to come up with something.

Name and address withheld

A. Fortunately the modern office is often populated by a transient stream of freelance support staff. Club together with your workmates to pay for the services of an actress from the sort of theatrical agency which supplied the bogus victims for the Vanessa show. You will pay a fee of about 100 for a Patricia Hayes-style elderly actress, posing as cleaner or tea-lady, to enter the room at a time of day when the culprit will be alone there. `Cor blimey, guv'nor!' she can cry as she throws open the windows. `It don't 'alf stink in 'ere!' Then, standing over him and sniffing in motherly, rather than impertinent, fashion she can continue: "Ang on a minute, it's coming from you! You a bachelor then, luv? You 'aven't 'ad an 'ose-down for a long time, 'ave you? You want a nice girl to get those clothes clean for you and you should have a good going-over of your trouble spots: armpits, a good scrubbing of the feet and then the privates. There can be a lot of crusting in the privates if you don't sluice them out occasionally. Want a nice cup of tea, love?' Should the outcome of this encounter be unsatisfactory, you may need to shell out for follow-up performances until the matter is resolved.

Q. Further to your advice to N.J.T. (15 May) on how to stop guests bringing dogs, there is no need to pretend you're doolally. Tell them your own dogs have a nasty infectious skin disease -- contagious even better. If you don't want to see them either, say it can be caught by humans too.

PG., London W2

A. Thank you for your comments.

Q. My ex-daily-help has placed some blue plastic flowers on my husband's grave. She visits her own husband's nearby grave almost daily, so it will be difficult to remove this floral excrescence without causing offence. Please help.

A. W, Suffolk

A. Thank the daily enthusiastically for her floral tribute, adding, `If it hadn't been for you, I would have forgotten all about putting flowers on his grave. Now you've done it, it's reminded me that he did love flowers, and in particular he loved living ones. So I'm going to plant his favourite rose-bush there.' Plant a particularly scratchy and thorny rose to prevent any further intrusion.