No laughing matter: The viola joke cycle as musicians' folklore

Western Folklore, Winter 2000 by Rahkonen, Carl

Q. How is a viola solo like wetting your pants?

A- Both are publicly humiliating, neither fortunately make much noise, but do briefly give one a nice warm feeling.

4. Jokes which usually can only be understood by among musicians.

Q. How do you teach a violist down-bow staccato?

A. Write a whole note, put a down-bow mark over it, and then label it "solo."

["staccato" means bouncing the bow. Implies that violists who play solos are so nervous that their bows bounce naturally]

Q. What's the definition of a quarter-tone?

A. Two violists playing the same note.

[implies that violists do not play in tune]

Q What's the difference between the first stand of violas and the third stand?

A. About a measure and a half.

[implies that violists sitting at the back of the section are rhythmically late compared with those at the front]

Q. How many positions does a violist use?

A. First, third and emergency.

[implies that violists have difficulty playing high pitches]

Q How do you know it is a violist who knocked at your door?

A. He won't come in.

[implies that violists are hesitant to begin when it is their turn to play]

Q. What is the best recording of the Bartok Viola Concerto?

A- Music minus one.

["Music minus one" are recordings with just the accompaniment, without the solo part]

Q. What is the longest viola joke?

A. Harold in Italy.

["Harold in Italy" is a long symphony by Berlioz with a prominent solo viola part]

Q. What happens when a violist dies?

A. They move him back one stand.

[emphasizes the hierarchy of the string sections, where the best players sit at the front, the weakest at the back]

5. Reverse jokes, which get revenge on musicians telling viola jokes.

Q. Why are viola jokes so short?

A. So violinists can remember them.

Q Why are violins smaller than violas?

A. They're actually the same size-it's the violinists' heads which are larger.

Q. Why is it that violists do not have hemorrhoids?

A. Because all the assholes are in the first violins.

Q A violist and a conductor are in the street. You are driving and cannot avoid them both. Which do you hit?

A. The violist. Business before pleasure.

Q. What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?

A. Some conductors actually read Greek.

Q. If you threw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?

A. The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.

6. Narrative viola jokes:

At a viola congress, the rumor went around that one of the participants could play 32nd notes. Many violists clustered around their colleague and asked him if it was true. He assured everyone that it was, so they asked him to prove it and play one.

A violist went backstage after a piano recital to congratulate the soloist. I especially liked that piece that began with the trill," he commented. The pianist was confused: "Trill? Which piece was that?" "The one that went [sing Fur Elise]"

The personnel manager broke up a fight between the principal violist and the principal oboist. When asked what the problem was, the oboist said that the violist had knocked his reeds all over the floor. "He had it coming," blustered the violist, "He turned down one of my pegs, and now he won't tell me which one!"