No laughing matter: The viola joke cycle as musicians' folklore

Western Folklore, Winter 2000 by Rahkonen, Carl

A violist came home and found fire engines and police cars around his home and his house was on fire. He asked what happened. A policeman told him that the conductor came by to see him, but didn't find him home, so in a fit of rage he shot his wife and his kids, and set his house on fire. The violist says [smiling] 'The conductor came to see ME?!!

There was a conductor who wanted to take a short vacation, so he asked his orchestra if there was anyone who had some experience conducting an orchestra. No one raised their hand. Tentatively, the last chair in the viola section raised his hand and said, "I've had a little experience." The conductor said, "Good, you will take the orchestra for two weeks." Everything went well. After two weeks the violist returned to his previous seat in the orchestra, and his stand partner asked, "Where the hell have you been for the past couple of weeks?!"

The last chair violist of the Minot North Dakota Symphony found a magic lamp, and after rubbing it a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. His first wish was to be an 80% better player than he was now. The genie granted his wish and-poof-he became the principal violist of the Minot North Dakota Symphony. Soon he wasn't satisfied with this so he made his second wish-again to become an 80% better player than he was, and-- poof-he became the principal violist of the Philadelphia Orchestra. Well he still had one wish to go and-you guessed it-he asked once more to become an 80% better player than he had been. So-poof-he became the last chair second violin of the Minot North Dakota Symphony Orchestra.

There was once a Jewish conductor who found a magic lamp, and when he rubbed it a genie appeared and said he would grant him one wish. The conductor, being very politically sensitive, began talking about all the trouble in the Middle East, between Jews and Palestinians, Iraqis and Persians, and so on. He pulled out this large map and showed the genie all these difficulties, and wished that the genie would solve the problems. The genie said that it was a pretty tall order considering the age-old animosities in the region, and asked if he might have a smaller wish instead. So the conductor thought a moment and said, "I have this viola section; they can't play in tune, they don't follow me and they just don't play very musically. Can you help me get them into shape." The genie thought a moment and said, "Let me have another look at that map."

A man went to see his doctor for a physical exam, and the doctor tells him that he has a terminal disease. He only has six months to live. The man is terrified! He pleads with the doctor "Is there anything I can do?!" The doctor says, "No, in six months you will be dead." The man just can't accept that answer and again pleads, "Isn't there anything I can do?!" This time the doctor scratches his head and says, '"Well there might be something... You can marry a viola player and move to Cleveland." "Marry a viola player and move to Cleveland?" asks the man, 'Will that help me live longer?" "No ... but it will certainly seem that way!" said the doctor.