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Human Events, Feb 11, 2000 by Coulter, Ann

If you're wondering how that scatter-brained woman from Maine, Susan Collins, ended up being the one to give the Republican response to President Clinton's State of the Union address, consider that Bill Bradley is the politician most frequently dubbed "cerebral"-and he got a 485 on his verbal SATs. As I've discovered in my "Help Wanted" search for a candidate to run against Rep. Christopher Shays in Connecticut, most smart people don't want to run for office. ,

So in the competition for the senator with the "best communication skills," Sen. Collins won out. Only days before, Roll Call had reported that "Collins' strong communication skills have landed her a prime-time spot" responding to Clinton's State of the Union address. Of course, any organization that would ever deploy the phrase "communication skills" doesn't have them.

Dumbest Girl in High School

In a speech that-to be fair-could only be described as comical, Collins' wooden speaking style was overshadowed by her stunning capacity to issue a record-setting number of cliches per minute: "A good education is the ladder of opportunity. it turns dreams into reality. That's why education is at the top of the Republican agenda." Mr. Rogers explains "How Socialism Helps Little Girls And Boys."

Of all Collins' monotonous declarations, I liked this one best: I know first-hand the difference that education can make." Whoa! Does she have one of them education things? If Ms. Collins is education's case in point, then it can now be said that an "education" is, frankly, often pointless.

It would almost be enough if United States senators could merely familiarize themselves with the Constitution. Collins looked and looked and couldn't find anything about felonies in the impeachment clause, so she voted for acquittal on both articles of impeachment against President Clinton.

She did, however, find a constitutional provision that not only regulates abortion, but specifically demands that abortions be permitted on babies that are half-born.

She's not telling us where it is. But one has to admit, that does sound like the form of government Madison had in mind: A Constitution that would safeguard criminals in the Oval Office, but would insist upon partial-birth abortions. As constitutional scholar Susan Collins put it: "Everybody knows these [partial-birth abortion] laws are unconstitutional on their face."

Everybody knows. So there. Even without a prepared speech, she sounds like the dumbest girl in your high school class.

Okay, so let's stipulate that Susan Collins' education (and she knows how neat an education is-first hand!) did not cover reading. Nonetheless, the unparalleled economic successes of the Soviet Union ought to have impressed anyone who merely managed to stay awake through the '80s.

But Collins mechanically rambled on about the federal takeover of every grammar school in America, explaining"The debate in Washington is not about money. It's about who makes the decisions." Yes, as all teenagers know who makes the decisions has nothing whatsoever to do with who has the money. Everyone has fond memories of Dad saying, "Fine son, you take the car. You won the coin flip, fair and square."

Grove City College might have some ideas about the connection between money and " who makes the decisions." Grove City had pointedly refused government money for a century precisely in order to avoid becoming a government re-education camp. But the federal government took the position that since some students attending Grove City College received Pell Grants, Grove City was practically a subsidiary of the federal government.

Using student aid as the hook, the Supreme Court held that colleges would have to hew to every jackass requirement the smart guys in Washington could concoct-provided only that some student matriculating at the college was receiving federal student aid.

Crushed Like Bugs

Collins incomprehensibly claimed that even though Republicans want to keep the federal government in the business of sucking up boatloads of your money for federal "education" programs, the Republicans "will empower states and communities to use federal education dollars in the ways children need most." You know, with all those education dollars the states and communities won't have anymore, because Congress took them.

The Republican approach, Collins said, "recognizes that local schools, not Washington offices, are the heart and home of education." That's why Republicans will crush local schools like bugs under confiscatory tax plans and absurd left-wing social engineering programs. Let a thousand flowers bloom.

After Collins articulated the Republican enthusiasm for federal domination of kindergarten classes, she summed up: "The point is it should be your community's decision, not Washington's."

Yeah, except the point is, if Washington takes-and then retums-"the community's" money, woe to any community that tries to cut off funding for girls' football or boys' synchronized swimming. And don't even think about school prayer.