A death in the group

Group, Jul/Aug 1998 by Klotz, Stephen

Jordan Bower died on TWA Flight 800 the summer before his senior year of high school. Although he'd been living with his divorced dad in northern Pennsylvania, he was a regular at our southern Pennsylvania youth group meetings on weekends and during school vacations, when he visited his mom.

This is how we handled the loss of our friend.

For more than a year, Jordan worked to finance and prepare for his high school French Club's trip to France. We sent him off with well-wishes, notes, and prayers. We shared in his excitement for this adventure. But all that crashed into the sea on July 17, 1996, when Jordan and 229 other passengers perished.

As soon as we learned the terrible news, we faced a daunting question: "How do we help our kids handle this tragedy?"

I've been a youth minister for 18 years, and I've helped many teenagers deal with the deaths of peers and parents. This time, however, death dealt a direct blow to our group. Through design, through circumstance, and through God's intervention, we found ways to enter into our kids' grief and confusion. I hope our story helps prepare you to move purposefully in the midst of your own stories.

The First Response

The first few hours and days after a tragedy set the framework for dealing with it and the resulting grief your kids will experience. Early on, we decided to...

1. Confer with adult group leaders. When we first heard of the crash, we feared that one of our kids was on board. We called each other to discuss the situation and agree on an initial plan of action. We knew it was critical to work through the trauma together.

2. Break the news to group members. We wanted to be the first to let our group members know about the crash, but we also wanted to give them facts, not rumors or guesses. We checked with Jordan's family, then personally told our kids what had happened. We kept in close contact with his closest friends. Down the line, our initial sensitivity to them helped us stay in ministry contact and encouraged them to openly communicate with us.

3. Gather the group. We needed a quiet and private setting to meet with the group as a whole, so we borrowed a church member's back yard and pool. The senior highers quickly left to walk around the neighborhood, sharing their thoughts and feelings with each other. They wanted time to themselves.

Meanwhile, we asked the middle schoolers to express their feelings, thoughts, and questions. When the senior highers returned, we had both groups summarize their initial responses to Jordan's death. We gave them the freedom to express hard feelings. And we reminded them to draw on God's help as we joined in prayer.

To help them look ahead, we asked our group members to tell us what they would want or need in the coming weeks. Their responses helped us form our intermediate plans, and they felt involved and supported as a result.

The Intermediate Response

After our initial contact with our kids, we made plans to. . .

1. Pursue grief and celebration opportunities. Many of our teenagers wanted to attend the memorial service, held in the town where Jordan had lived with his dadmore than two hours away. So we organized transportation to the town and stopped for a picnic lunch on his dad's lawn before the service.

2. Give group members ways to connect to grieving family members. Apart from the memorial service, many kids wanted to express their sadness and fond memories to Jordan's family. We encouraged and collected their letters, notes, and cards, making sure that both parents received these mementos.

3. Create unique rituals and remembrances. Our goal was to help group members remember their friend, but not fixate on this experience. We compiled a notebook of the mementos I mentioned above, including additional stories, poems, photos, and personal reflections-all bound in a cover designed by one of our kids.

During this time, we stumbled onto the hauntingly appropriate words to one of Jordan's favorite songs-the Newsboys' "Breakfast." Several kids practiced and performed motions to the song-making it our unofficial theme song for a time. They needed hope to recover from their shock, and this song gave it to them.

4. Assess and address individual needs. We tried to determine how close our kids were to Jordan. We watched to gauge kids' anxiety and pain, and noticed their needs. We didn't assume needy kids would readily ask us for help, so we actively offered our support and help to them through listening, counseling, prayer, and therapeutic activities. We also encouraged them to resume their regular activities, and we showed our support by showing up for those events.

5. Give lots of individual attention. If we could do it over, we would spend more time just listening to our group members. We would set up a phone-calling and visitation plan, dividing the group roster among the leaders and other church members.

The Long-Term Response

It's hard to define, but at some point after the formal services ended and kids' fall schedules kicked in, we moved out of our midrange responses and into our ongoing responses.