surrogate parent trap, The

Group, Jul/Aug 1998 by Rice, Wayne

Do you feel pressured to "parent" your group members? Youth ministry pioneer Wayne Rice targets the pitfalls of overstepping your role in kids' lives and lists the complementary ministrY strengths of parents and youth workers.

"I feel like a baby sitter!"

It was a common cry among youth ministers more than a decade ago, when parents dumped their kids at the church's front door then sped off to do their own thing. Today, that cry has gathered steam and evolved into a more serious complaint. . .

"I feel like a parent!"

The postmodern church, comprised of busy or absent parents, tacitly expects youth leaders not only to occupy kids' time and keep them out of trouble, but also to meet their parenting needs. It's tempting to give in to that expectation and step into the role of surrogate parent for the young people in your ministry. But there are two good reasons why you should resist: ( 1 ) You can't provide for teenagers what only their parents can, and (2) you'll inevitably burn yourself out trying.

It's far better to nurture a stubborn appreciation for the important role parents play in their kids' lives. Do all you can to build relationships with parents, encourage them, and offer them opportunities for involvement and training. More and more, when today's youth workers think about parents, they're recognizing the different but complementary roles they play in kids' lives.

What Parents Bring to the Table

A few things parents do that you can't possibly do:

Parents love their kids more than you do. It's safe to say that you can't love kids the way parents can. And there's no substitute for parental love. Most parents really do love their kids; they just don't always know how to express it very well.

They care about their kids more than you do. As a youth worker, you care about your group members, but you can't care like a parent can. Parents have a vested interest in their own children and thus have a hard time being neutral, but this is a strength, not a weakness.

They spend more time with their teenagers than you do. Even with today's busy families, parents are with their kids much more than you are. We cannot and should not compete with parents for time with their kids.

They know heir kids better than you do. One of your goals is to better understand the kids in your group. But parents know far more than you'll ever know. They're not only a great knowledge resource for you, but they're in a much better position to meet their kids' needs.

They influence more than you do. You do have a significant influence on the kids in your group, but as research continues to confirm, parents are the primary influencers of their children all the way through high school. They have the power to support or undermine any impact you have.

They have more authority than you do. You're in no position to usurp parents' authority or offer your own version of it when kids' parents can't or won't. Only parents can provide the discipline and boundaries every teenager needs.

They have more responsibility than you do. Scripture makes it clear that parents have been given ultimate responsibility for their children's Christian education and nurture (Deuteronomy 6:6-9; 11:19-20; Proverbs 22:6; Joel 1:3; Ephesians 6:4; I Timothy 3:4-12).

What You Bring to the Table

Lest you start to think you're expendable, read on:

You can be more bo mere objective than parents can. When it comes to kids, parents generally don't see the big picture like you can. It's often hard for them to listen to their teenagers objectively and respond to them without overprotecting or overreacting.

You understand youth culture better than they do. Parents tend to be afraid of youth culture and to have a hard time understanding why their kids act the way they do. But it's your job to stay informed and be a resource not only to young people but to parents.

You can be a better friend than they can. Teenagers have a great need to find friends outside the home who'll affirm them and validate their emerging adulthood. You're in a prime position to be the adult friend a parent can never be.

You can communicate with young people easier than they can. While parents influence their kids greatly during their teenage years, they do it primarily by modeling. Just as the 12-year-old Jesus listened to teachers in the temple (Luke 2), so today's kids need youth workers who'll communicate the gospel to them in a way that they can understand.

You can give teenagers a support system outside the home better than parents can. You're in a position to offer kids a supportive community of mentors and peers who'll undergird the home's values and faith priorities.

You have more resource than they do.

Parents are often clueless about adolescent development, parenting strategies, and the like. They don't know where to find help. But you have access to the kinds of resources and training that can help parents and kids understand each other better.

You can involve young people in ministry more easily than they can. Parents have a hard time getting their kids to clean up their rooms, let alone getting them to serve others. But youth workers can motivate teenagers to discover their unique talents and gifts in service to Christ and the church.