Living with a middle schooler

Group, Jul/Aug 1998

You can enjoy living with your 10- to 15-year-old with these tips from the National Middle School Association:

1. Be prepared. As your daughter or son heads toward middle school, know there'll be occasional conflicts-this is normal. But be ready for them. Ask yourself: "What's really important to me? Is hairstyle as important as homework?" Know ahead of time which situations you're willing to negotiate and which areas are absolutes.

2. Break tasks down into smaller parts. Early adolescents can become easily overwhelmed by tasks that seem huge-especially if they've procrastinated doing tasks such as cleaning their room or catching up on homework assignments. Give them smaller goals: Clean off the bed; do five assignments tonight; and so on. Encourage them to keep a daily list with a few things to get done that day.

3. Remind. Remind your teenager about appointments and due dates. They'll need this "hand-holding" for about a year, until they're more familiar with the new life-tasks and changes they're facing.

4. Listen but don't pry. Kids at this age are becoming more independent and may not want to talk to you as much as they used to. Let them know you're there to help, but don't push them. Be a friend to them-some days you may seem like the only friend they have.

5. Be focused when reprimanding. Deal only with the issue at hand, don't bring in other issues. If your son hasn't taken out the trash, talk about the trash-not about him being lazy or living in a pigsty.

6. Don't sweat the small stuff. If the issue is minor, call attention to it in a humorous way. For example, say something such as, "Don't let mold grow on that wet towel on your bed." Try not to make a big deal out of every offense.

7. Use your power only when it really matters. Save your energy for nonnegotiable issues.