Fear and loathing in Michigan

Group, Nov/Dec 1999 by Drager, Chris

In the second installment of a yearlong series,

we follow a veteran youth minister who's leaving a longtime ministry

at one church and transitioning into a new church

At the end of my first set of journal entries. I'd just decided to accept a call to a church in Michigan after seven years at a church in missouri, My journaling during the weeks follwoing that decision describe my family's journey into the emotional no man's land tht borders ny big change...

Friday May 28

My message at the service for graduates went well, and Pastor Schade commented that if he had known I could preach so well, he would have found a way to keep me around.

Saturday May 29

We got bad news this morning. We quality for a loan that's $15,000 less than expected. I feel like such a loser because I can't provide what my family desires. All I want is to be a good husband, dad, and provider for my family. [My wife] Dena and I have given the amount to our realtor and told him what we're looking for. We'll see what he comes up with.

Dena and I had a tearful prayer session this morning, and we're trying to give everything up to God. It was hard to pray because I'm angry at God for not sticking to the plans I made. I know his plan is better than mine and I need to rely on him, but that doesn't make me less angry.

Sunday , May 30

God and I went round and round all through the night. I'm so ticked off at him about this housing deal that I didn't even want to talk to him today. So I skipped morning services. It's no big deal since I "preached" on Thursday for graduation. I thought I'd show him a thing or two by not showing up today. I'm sure he was not impressed by my little tantrum, and that irritates me all the more!

Thursday June 3

Tomorrow we leave for Kalamazoo to go house hunting. Our realtor has 13 listings in the Kalamazoo/ Portage area that look promising. We also have a meeting with one of the counselors at Portage Central High School to look at the school, meet the faculty, check out class offerings, and meet the football coaches if we can. [My son] Drew is really excited to get to Kalamazoo and check the place out.

Monday June 7

We arrived home last night exhausted. We looked at 12 houses and have put an offer on number seven. We've offered and counter-offered three times, and they've come down $10,000 from the original listing price, so we're hopeful. I'm so nervous about buying a house. All those horrible "whatifs" keep going through my mind, and I start to feel queasy. I've made peace with God, and it helps to be talking on better terms this week.

Drew was a little overwhelmed by the size of his new school, but figures that every other kid will be new to the school, so they'll all be in the same boat. I think I'm more nervous about him going to high school than he is. He met the football coach and is looking forward to playing ball this fall.

Thursday, June 17

Today I was told the Michigan church may not help with the loan for a house. I don't understand what is going on here! We were told the church would be second mortgagee on our loan through the church extension fund. There must be some sort of communication problem going on at Zion with the changeover to a new board of directors.

This has me so freaked out that I talked with Pastor Schade today about the whole situation and asked if I could just stay at Immanuel for another 10 years or so. He would be happy to have me stick around but thinks I need to investigate a little more.

I'm completely devastated by this news. I talked with one of the directors earlier this evening to see what the hang-up is and explained that with such short notice to secure a conventional loan, we couldn't move. I need to have an answer by Sunday night because I leave town for a weeklong servant event on Monday.

Friday June 18,

Tonight was unusual for me. The Board of Youth Ministries and the senior high youth group had a going-away party for us. Youth and "alumni" stopped by to say goodbye, mingle, and look at pictures from the old days. By the end of the evening, I felt we had accomplished some great things through nine years of ministry.

The youth gave me a beautiful picture of an eagle soaring over a lake with mountains in the background--t has a caption from Isaiah 40:31. it was difficult to walk out of the youth room tonight because this is the last youth event I will attend at Immanuel. I'm more melancholy than sad about the evening. I feel sort of empty, as if I just left a funeral where no one says what they really want to say about the deceased so it won't hurt so much.

Saturday June 19

No word yet from Zion. I'm apprehensive and beginning to panic.

Sunday June 20

I talked with Pastor Seebert today, and he tells me that everything will work out with this loan. I feel a little better but don't think everything is as good as it could be. If I don't have a solid answer by the time I return at the end of the week, I am going to talk with Pastor Schade and Roger Mailand about staying in Missouri. I have a bad feeling about this, it's like I am being attacked by demons from every side. Dena and I had a fight this morning. We want to be in Kalamazoo right now or stop the whole thing and not go anywhere ever!