3 things your spouse won't tell you

Group, Sep/Oct 2000 by Moody, Shondi

A longtime youth minister's spouse condenses 10 years of learning the hard way into some short-and-sweet advice

"I take thee, Chip, to be my lawfully wedded husband."

Ten years ago when I said those words, I had stars in my eyes and great plans for a bright future. But I had no idea that marrying a youth minister meant I'd just signed on "to have and to hold".a huge group of moody, attention-starved adolescents. I've now spent a decade as an automatic lock-in chaperone, a not-so-eager van driver, and a spur-of-the-- moment plan changer.

Along the way I've learned a lot from my frustrations, struggles, and joys-things I wish I could have told my husband at the start of our wild ride on the youth ministry roller coaster. If you're married and in ministry, your spouse would probably never tell you these things, but I will...

number 1 ask me to help.

I've seen youth ministers whose spouses do all the grunt work, but get none of the credit. And I've seen youth ministers who never invite their spouses into any part of their ministries. I think there's a happy medium-but in any case, it's crucial that you ask us to participate rather than expect us to participate.

Never assume we'll be overjoyed to type and mail letters to your 50-member youth committee or prepare a teen-- friendly gourmet meal for your Back-to-School Bash or drive home a van full of middle schoolers after a Friday night scavenger hunt. You should treat us with the same courtesy you extend to your valued adult leaders.

My husband is the official youth pastor, but we do a lot of "tag team" ministry. He's the dreamer and I'm the planner. Anything he can dream up, I can put to paper, organize, and hand back to him to execute. Over the years, he's learned to ask for my help. (Of course, I taught him everything he knows.) Although he knows I'll likely help out, he takes the time to ask anyway. When he asks, I feel important, and I have an "out" if it's not something I want to do.

number 2 put yourself in my shoes.

Before you barrel through the door eager to report on all the fun things you did on your youth group beach trip, remember the long weekend I've just spent alone with a colicky baby. Before you give me a detailed summary of your three-hour youth ministry networking luncheon at Red Lobster, remember that I had a rotten day at work and a bologna sandwich for lunch. And before you ask me to help out on a retreat, take me shopping for some "cool" clothes so I don't feel like Aunt Bee doing a guest spot on Beverly Hills 90210.

My spouse's job is to hang out with people who are younger, cooler, and more fun than I am, and that can strain a marriage. I know so many "star" youth ministers who've lost their jobs and families because no one held them accountable for their actions.

So go overboard. Make sure your office door has a window, never counsel a member of the opposite sex alone, and listen when your spouse senses a red flag regarding a group member.

In our first youth ministry, we were young and newly married. Some of our group members were only a few years younger than we were. I was very uneasy about one senior high girl's flirtatious behavior and often expressed my concerns to Chip. Fortunately, he took my warnings to heart. Years later we discovered that this same girl had been having an "inappropriate relationship" with our pastor at the time (who was also very young). This liaison ultimately ruined his marriage and ministry.1

number 3 don't "play" family-be one!

We all put on our "Sunday best" faces when we're at church, but teenagers are quick to spot a fake. Many of them come from seriously dysfunctional homes and have no clue about how a "real" family behaves.

I remember one group member couldn't believe that we ate dinner together as a family every night. When I was a senior higher, my youth minister always left his kids at home and never included his wife in activities. I can remember feeling sorry for his family because he spent more time with us than with them.

Recently I was offered a children's ministry job at our church, I'd almost decided to take it when I had an unexpected visit from one of our senior girls. She urged me to turn down the job because it would take me away from youth ministry activities with Chip and our "role modeling" was important to her. We're not a perfect family, but our young people appreciate our genuineness.

I could say more, but these three are the biggies. Chew on them for a while, and then make a point to say, "I really love and appreciate you" to your spouse. Who knows-he or she may surprise you and offer to take the sixth-graders to Chuck E. Cheese's on Friday, just to give you a break. (Dream on!)

Shondi Moody is a longtime youth minister's spouse and the director of a Christian camp in Georgia.