Moving parents off the bench

Group, Jan/Feb 2001 by Chow, David

Do you suffer from "parentophobia"-the fear and loathing of parent participation in your ministry? Well, youth ministry's a team sport-- and here's how you can make parents your most valuable players.

I have a confession to make. Until recently, I suffered from a strange malady not uncommon to youth workers: parentophobia. I loved teenagers with a passion, but I feared their parents. And because of my fears, I avoided parents and failed to involve them in my youth ministry.

Eventually I admitted my awkwardness and discomfort to a volunteer who'd asked me why I always relied on her to communicate with the parents. Her insight helped me realize that I was suffering from parentophobia.

Since I'm now working my 12-step parentophobia program, I've come to realize the enormous benefit of including parents in my ministry. Not having parents involved was like trying to play basketball with only half a team.

tip-off

First, I had to make a commitment to involve parents. Then I had to make an effort to get to know them. To move beyond casual chitchat, I did simple things such as connecting with them at church to ask how things were going and whether there was any way I could help them. At our quarterly parents meetings, I took time during and after the meetings to find out what challenges they were facing.

Whenever I called a young person at home, I'd take a few extra minutes to talk to the parent who answered the phone. I began inviting parents to lunch, and tried to get myself invited to dinner (this works great if you're single and you can't cook).

game plan

Once parents realized that I cared about them, I discovered they were very willing to help out in various ways, such as offering their homes, assisting at meetings, leading small groups, serving as camp counselors, and providing needed resources. One slice of wisdom: If you're going to ask parents to contribute their time, make sure you ask them well in advance. Asking parents to help out two days before your event doesn't exactly make you look very organized or professional.

Another way I involve parents is by sharing information with them. If what we do in youth group is a mystery to parents, they're left with the task of trying to find out from their teenagers what's going on. And what comes out of their teenagers' mouths is usually "nothing." Communicating the purpose of programs and events goes a long way to help keep parents committed. When parents understand the "why" behind what we're doing, they're much more willing to be supportive.

For example, every fall we do a major all-night outreach event. When I clearly explain that the purpose of the all-nighter is to reach unchurched teenagers, parents are a lot more accepting of their teenagers' participation-and more willing to lend a hand. Letting parents know what topics you're teaching, and mailing or sending home parent-teen discussion sheets also helps connect parents to your youth ministry.

When I include parents in key ministry decisions, such as whether to change an existing program, start a new one, or pull the plug on an old one, parents not only feel involved but they also support the outcome. Several years ago I was faced with making a change in Sunday school. The junior and senior high groups shared a room on Sunday mornings, and as both groups grew, noise became a real problem-not to mention the need for more space.

As we considered options, I spent time talking to parents individually about the situation and seeking their opinions. I then sent out a letter to explain the circumstances, suggest possible solutions, and request more feedback. By the time the next parents' meeting rolled around, we were able to reach agreement on the proposed changes without any resistance. Don't get me wrong, there were parents who didn't like the change, but because I had taken the time to explain the situation and consult them, they accepted it.

Another winning strategy is to engage parents in ministry to other parents. Through our parent ministry team, we've offered seminars and Bible studies for parents, and created a parents' resource library and a parents' newsletter.1 While I give leadership to the team, it's the parents who are the backbone. This allows me to increase my impact with parents without adding to my schedule.

One time while facilitating an Understanding Your Teenager video series' I asked two different sets of parents with teenagers if they'd team-teach with me. After we finished, each couple volunteered to facilitate the video series with a new group of people.

score!

Getting parents off the bench and into the game is no easy task, but it's definitely a worthwhile goal: You and kids' parents will have cause to celebrate-and the biggest winners of all will be the young people in your youth ministry.

(1) A photocopiable parent newsletter, The Home Page, is always included as a single-page insert inside group Magazine's plastic mailing bag.

(2) The six-session video curriculum Understanding Your Teenager is available from Wayne Rice at UYT.com. Other new video series you might consider include: Moms, Dads, & Teenagers Too, available from Tumbling Walls, 800-642-5205; She Said Yes: The Unlikely Martyrdom of Cassie Bernall, available from Active Parenting Publishers, 800-825-0060; and Josh McDowell's The Disconnected Generation, available from Word Publishing, 800-933-9673. We also recommend the four-lesson Apply-it-To-Life" Adult Bible Curriculum: Strengthening Family Relationships, available from Group Publishing, 800-447-1070.