last temptation of your career, The

Group, Jan/Feb 2001 by Belknap, Bryan

Have you been tempted to pursue an inappropriate relationship with a group member? You're not alone-- in fact, the room is crowded. Here's a game plan for stopping temptation in its tracks.

You've heard it all before-some youth pastor down the street gets sexually involved with a teenager. Stupid and pathetic, you're thinking. But there's something lurid about it, and it grabs your attention the same way a four-car pileup on the other side of the median makes you slow down to gape.

I'd heard the stories, too. I knew all about the human wreckage produced by these "dangerous liaisons." But no one ever warned me that it could happen to anyone... even me. So I wasn't worried. As a college senior, I scoffed at classmates who dated freshmen. I laughed at how they fooled themselves into thinking the target of their obsession was "mature" for her age. (In this case, "exceptionally hot and willing" is a synonym for "mature.")

Two years later, as I left my position as a college minister, I was actually scheming ways to pursue some of the young women I'd been ministering to-all of them were at least five years my junior. I never got within shouting distance of sexual impropriety, but I did drag my foot alongside the primrose path. God's grace kept me off it.

Before I got started in ministry, I determined I'd never date anyone involved in my work-I thought it would create a tension that could hinder the gospel. Well, at my first church there weren't any women my age so that was easy. I couldn't (and wouldn't) cruise the bars, nightclubs, or dating services to meet someone. I trusted God to bring "the one" into my life.

And all that trust left me lonely and frustrated as, Friday night after Friday night, I sat home alone eating cold pizza and watching Dukes of Hazzard marathons. My heart remained strong, but my mind wandered the halls of possibility. It never progressed to fantasy or action because I stumbled onto a few practices that kept me pure.

1. Every youth pastor needs close adult friends-people who've known you for a while. It's easy for us to slide into isolation-we're surrounded by kids, but not adults. There's always another phone call to make, meeting to prepare, magazine to read, and person to counsel. So you work yourself nutty for those extra jewels in your heavenly crown. (I once worked six weeks straight without a day off. Not smart.)

All of these. "spiritual" deeds create a false sense of safety: "Nothing will happen as long as I'm doing God's work." That's nothing but camouflaged pride-the God-guaranteed precursor to falling. Luckily, I had two guys (my partners in youth pastor crime) who kept me honest.

Though we worked like dogs together, at least one of us was sane at all times to keep the other two tethered to reality.

You need connections with adults who are at the same place in life-dealing with adult problems and experiencing similar hopes, joys, and frustrations. They also remember the same Saturday morning cartoons and Top 40 hits. Your adult friends aren't easily fooled by your smoke screens. They know your pits smell and will quickly point it out.

If you have no adult peer group, you'll fill the void with your young people. No es bueno. Your job is to understand and impact your kids' culture (music, dress, slang, interests), not fully integrate into it. An obvious red flag is when you suddenly discover the "hidden maturity" in your opposite-- sex group members.

Even if (especially if) the object of your affection is mature for a senior higher, she's still living at home, where she's someone's little girl. She's never paid an electric bill or dated without a curfew. (Exceptions do exist, but they still don't pass the smell test.) She's worried about prom dates and college application essays, not Sallie Mae and 401(k)s. When you lack connections to people your own age, you're like an undercover agent who's in so deep you forget who you work for.

By maintaining my old friendships, I was constantly reminded about my age. These guys knew me from way back, before I ever got "holy." They were quick to encourage me, and to knock me back to earth when I tried climbing on a pedestal. When I imagined their response (and ridicule) to boasts about my great new girlfriend-"She's not only godly, beautiful, and mature, but also just earned a 1310 on her SAT"-kept me from contemplating a love connection.

2. You will be the object of worship, so remember what happened to the golden calf. Beware of student worship. And I'm not talking about the kind of thing Sonic Flood does. I'm talking about good old-fashioned idol worship. If you're seen as a godly and powerful person you can expect to be the object of someone's crush (wake up-even though your church board members treat you with something less than awe, you're a god to at least some of your teenagers).

Remember your sixth-grade teacher-the one you planned to marry once you grew up? You are that teacher to someone in your ministry. They think you can do no wrong. Your "close proximity to God" just makes you more desirable and morally acceptable in their minds.