Unlikely partners

Group, Mar/Apr 2001 by Updegraff, Roberta

What can a teenage boy possibly have in common with a 90-something blind woman? That's what my son asked me when I suggested we go visit his senior citizen prayer partner on her birthday. After I bribed him with the opportunity to bake her a birthday cake, he agreed to go. Hazel was delighted that we'd brought pizza and cake, but after five minutes of small talk, we sat in awkward silence.

Desperate for something to break the spell, Mark glanced around the dark and musty room--he spied an antique harmonica lying on the table. Hazel handed Mark the instrument, explaining that she played her father's harmonica to improve her breathing. He turned the large, ornate mouth organ over and over in his hands, caressing the brass work. Though Hazel was blind, her smile told me they'd connected.

She took back the instrument and played a folksy rendition of "Amazing Grace." Mark's eyes lit up. He pulled his own harmonica out of his shirt pocket and joined her. That duet brought tears to my eyes and changed my son's relationship with his partner forever. A few days later, he bought her a cassette tape that featured his favorite Appalachian hymns. Hazel practically sparkles every time she talks about that unexpected gift from my son.

measuring the generational chasm

The distance between old-agers and teenagers is more like a chasm than a generation gap. Grandparents often live hundreds of miles away, and communities are cloistered by age in our homogenized society. Young people have so little contact with the elderly that they are often afraid of them. Church is the one place where the two groups come together, but most everything the church does is agespecific. The problem is not that there's a communication gap-you can't have,a gap where there's no communication to begin with.

* Young people see seniors as frail, odd, and cranky. "They smell like mothballs," one teenager told me. "Their skin is all wrinkled, spotted, and gross." These active retirees"pillars of virtue" in the congregation-seem condescending and narrow-minded to most teenagers. They expect seniors to dismiss their ideas as immature and frivolous,

* Senior citizens reminisce about the days when discipline meant "a good whooping" and social time meant the "afterglow" following a church prayer meeting. When they watch television, they see young people portrayed as spoiled, self-centered foul-mouthed, and promiscuous. They don't understand or have the patience to learn the fastpaced, high-tech world these kids navigate, so they condemn it all and long for "the good old days."

Too many generational obstacles to overcome? Our church family has discovered that appearances can be deceiving.

building bridges through prayer partners

A few years ago, we decided to pair middle schoolers with seniors as prayer partners. The young people wrote brief biographical sketches, including their birth dates, special interests, and hobbies. One of our elderly women took those biographies and matched up each young person with a senior. We encouraged both groups to exchange birthday cards and prayer requests. Seniors agreed that the requests would be kept confidential unless they involved something that needed parental intervention. Most of our middle schoolers opted to share their joys and concerns through letters rather than on the phone or in person. But their senior partners made friendly phone calls to them regularly.

Over the next few months, the dynamics in our church family began to change. First, the seniors became youth advocates. In the past they'd been critical of young people and conservative in budgeting money for youth activities. But as they got to know the kids better, they grew empathetic and generous, even volunteering to help at youth events.

Our coffee hour buzzed with praise for our teenagers' accomplishments as their senior partners became more aware of what the kids were involved in. Both groups discovered they had mutual interests. A retired architect was matched with a budding engineer. An archeology buff's young partner was interested in Indian relics and had been on a dig as a Boy Scout. And my son met a fellow musician with a love for folk instruments.

In turn, our young people tuned in to the seniors' special needs. They started making eye contact with our hearingimpaired members-speaking slowly and clearly. Rather than barging out of the pews, many waited patiently until their older friends with canes and walkers had cleared the aisles. Now it's not unusual to see 14-year-olds making small talk with 83-year-olds after church.

spinning a web of friendships

Some prayer partner relationships have blossomed over the years while others have fizzled. No matter-we've drastically improved intergenerational communication in our church family. Potluck suppers are not quite so age group segregated anymore. And our committees and service groups include youth as well as senior citizens. My son, Mark, is in college now, but he still looks forward to sitting behind Hazel in church, holding her hand as we sing our benediction: "Blessed Be the Tie That Binds."