16 things I've learned about loving teenagers

Group, Jan/Feb 2003 by Reynolds, Rebecca, Beer, Lidonna

For five years, Rebecca Reynolds focused all her energies on learning to love teenagers well. Here's what she wishes someone would've told her at the beginning.

What is it about youth ministry that produces a cold sweat on the forehead of a 6-foot criminal lawyer when he's asked to teach Sunday school?

How can five pimply faced sophomores with skateboards reduce a successful businesswoman to wide-eyed stammering when she's asked to chaperone a missions trip?

Why do so many church people-including an older senior pastor friend-casually assert, "You couldn't pay me enough to be a youth minister"?

Six months after that minister pronounced impending doom over us, we rolled into the parking lot of a new church-my husband was about to step into his first youth ministry assignment. My own adolescence was hard enough, and I really had no desire to get caught in the crossfire of all those hormones again. What have we done? I wondered, silently grabbing my husband's knee. Could he really handle a roomful of hostile teenagers? I didn't really want to find out.

But God had different plans.

Now, five years later, my experience in youth ministry is totally different than I expected. It hasn't been easy, but it has been wonderful. I have a deep love for the kids in our ministry. And because I'm a stay-at-home mom, I've had a unique opportunity to work alongside my husband in youth ministry. While he's busy doing all the "official" things that come with a church staff position, I'm free to simply spend myself loving the kids. Not a bad deal.

Along the way I've learned a thing or two (16, to be exact) from my own experiences and from watching my husband. These are truths I wish someone had told us when we rolled into that parking lot five years ago.

1. Expect to be hazed.

If you're new to youth ministry or have just moved to a new church, you'll almost certainly endure hazing as you're initiated into the group. The guys will test to see who's really the dominant male baboon. The girls will swarm around like disturbed bees, trying to find their place.

As often as you feel threatened or uncomfortable or even angry, just tell yourself to relax. Guard your heart well during these first stages-determine to have a thicker skin than is normal for you. If you don't get your feathers ruffled too quickly, the hazing will most likely ease up when the next "new kid" in the group comes along.

2. Stick to your guns. Whatever rules you establish, your kids will test them. They will treat your boundaries as unreasonable, unfair, and impossible. Then they'll respect you for sticking to them.

When we first came to our youth group, some of the girls were wearing skimpy bikinis to church swim parties. The guys were having a hard time keeping their eyes and hands off. So we decided a "one-piece swimsuit rule" was the best way to handle our problem. Girls in our group who showed up wearing bikinis to parties had to wear big navy T-shirts the rest of the night.

So how did this go over? Well, they acted like we'd asked them not to breathe! We got heat from parents, kids, and even church leaders. But then an interesting dynamic surfaced. If you've ever trained a stubborn dog to heel you'll understand-our teenagers "pulled against our leash" less and less. And soon the atmosphere changed at our swim parties. The kids walked with their chins a little higher, and everyone seemed to have more fun.

3. Give them a hand.

Touch is a difficult issue in church landscape that's been polluted by a few abusers. And nothing will derail your ministry faster than a false accusation of sexual impropriety. However, if we overreact we deprive our kids of something they really need from us.

In our church, I've noticed that people reach out to touch babies, little kids, seniors, and young couples. But they rarely touched teenagers in any way. The sad thing is that so many teenagers communicate through touch. They punch each other in the arm, embrace their friends, jump on each other's backs, braid each other's hair, and paint each other's toenails.

In our ministry, we're determined to offer appropriate touch to our kids as often as we can. My husband never initiates a hug with the girls; and if they initiate, he tries to keep it to a side hug. With the boys, he trades friendly arm punches, bear hugs from behind, and plays contact sports with them.

I hug the girls. I braid their hair and paint their toenails. They love it. They're desperate for the warmth of touch-it helps them feel grounded and affirmed.

4. Find ways to feed them.

I was surprised to discover that even the roughest-looking teenagers still want someone to give them warm cookies and milk after school and listen to what's happened during their day. They're looking for someone who will listen to their small-scale tragedies and challenges-like a broken faceplate on a new cell phone or the application they're working on for a job at the YMCA. And they need someone who can handle the big stuff, too-like the rude thing their dad's girlfriend said to them last night. For so many of them, "home" is only something they hope for. My full kitchen table and a listening ear provide a close approximation.