keys to asking great questions, The

Group, May/Jun 2003 by Christie, Les

Raise your hand if you sometimes wish you knew how to spark better discussions with your students. Okay, you can put it down now. A great conversation starts and ends with great questions. Veteran question-asking guru Les Christie points the way.

I live in the Silicon Valley near San Francisco, where there are more high-tech companies than any other place on the planet. Here, the people are so enamored of technology that they're slowly losing the art of verbal communication. It's been replaced by cyberspeak and text messaging. Sound a little like where you live, too?

Not long ago I was at the Phoenix, Arizona, convention center for a speaking engagement. I was walking from the main ballroom to a workshop room through a long, enclosed walkway. In the middle of the walkway was a Coke machine. As I approached I heard a soothing male voice ask, "Would you like a Coke?" I turned to see who'd spoken, but saw no one. I took another step and heard the comforting voice repeat the question. I then realized the voice was coming from the machine.

So I decided to get a Coke (well, the man sounded so polite and friendly). After putting the money in and making my selection, the machine responded in the same assuring voice. "Thank you, your Coke is in the tray at the bottom." I wanted to hug the machine like an old friend.

But Coke-machine hugs are a little. . . unsatisfying.

We hunger for face-to-face relationships, and our students are desperate for them. Ultimately, only verbal communication can foster deep relational connections. That's why your youth ministry is so important-you're providing your teenagers with rich opportunities to talk and connect. Right?

Well, if you think your group discussions could be a whole lot better than they are right now,1 chew on these ideas.

1. Get smaller. The smaller the discussion group, the more your kids will be forced to talk-I recommend groups of three to eight students. Provide them with a comfortable, neutral setting where they can sit close together (so their knees are almost touching). Physical closeness amplifies the laughter-they'll nudge and elbow each other, and they'll smile a lot to break the tension.

2. Control who sits where. The second most powerful position in a small group is the person who sits across from the perceived leader. That person gets most of the eye contact. Your "talker" student often sits in this position. Your "thinker" student will often sit next to the leader because it's the safest position. The leader must turn his or her head to see that person. So make sure these students change positions before they settle into their chairs-this will encourage the "talkers" to talk less and the "thinkers" to talk more.

3. Make sure each person contributes something in the first few minutes. When you begin, ask teenagers to each say their name and answer a nonthreatening, easy, open-ended question. For example: "What was the best part of your day today?" Invite, don't demand, each young person to speak. (See the sidebar "Conversation-Starter Ideas" for specific suggestions.)

4. The more honest and transparent you are, the more your kids will open up. If you want to know your students' stories, tell them yours. But be careful what you share. You can be too honest. Teenagers are not your peers, and they're not your counselors. Adult issues should stay in your accountability group.

5. Make sure your group is a safe place to share feelings. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. But our natural inclination is to shut down, neutralize, or "solve" most negative feelings. This stifles discussion because kids get the message that your group isn't a safe place to say whatever they feel.

6. Your teenagers need a guide, not a moralizer. Your role is to facilitate discussion, not lecture. In a small-group discussion, the leader is not the supreme authority on every subject. Be slow to correct kids when they say something you disagree with. Just wait-most often your teenagers will self-correct. Instead, help them think through their responses. I use the jujitsu approach (using the other person's momentum to your benefit). Turn difficult questions or responses back to the group: "What do the rest of you think?" Or I volley the question back to the person who asked it.

7. Be grateful for every answer. We can inadvertently make students feel silly or dumb by a look, expression, or chuckle. Affirm your kids for participating. They need the freedom to say things that may not make sense.

8. Give kids enough time to respond. In James 1:19, the disciple advises: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak." Don't be afraid of silence. Learn from it. That awkward pause gives them time to think, wrestle through their confusion, overcome their fear of sounding stupid, or get past their disappointment over getting cut from the tennis team or their anger over an argument with their parents.

* Sometimes your questions get blank stares and silence because you've dived too deep, too soon.

* Most small-group leaders respond to silence by answering the question themselves. If your students think you'll answer a question anyway, they'll let you.