FRIENDSHIP FACTOR, THE

Group, Jan/Feb 2004 by Dabdoub, Paul

How one youth pastor revamped his ministry to build deeper connections among his kids-eight ideas that'll keep your newcomers and build friendships among your regular.

A little over a year ago I was frustrated and ready to upend our ministry's apple cart. Our regulars were showing up, but that's about it-they weren't growing deeper in their commitment to Christ or the group. Worse, our visitors weren't coming back.

So I sat down to assess the problem. Our games were appropriately goofy, the teaching times were solid and biblical, and the worship was pretty good. But something was missing and I couldn't put my finger on it. So I spent time in prayer, laying our vision before God and trying to listen.

As I pressed in, the problem surfaced like a, well, like a zit on prom night. There was something wrong with the environment we'd created for our gatherings, and it had nothing to do with my bad jokes. We were building what we thought was a "relational ministry," but we weren't doing much to help kids build relationships.

Now I believed in relational ministry, practiced it, and stressed it to my volunteers. Our regular gatherings were upbeat, fun, understandable, and relevant-but it turns out those strengths were a facade for our flimsy relational structure. I took a big gulp and plunged in to a major "remodeling" job.

A year later, our small groups have quadrupled in attendance, our adult volunteers are effective relational ministers, and the number of our core attenders has grown dramatically, giving us more student leaders than we ever dreamed possible. The following eight strategies got us there-maybe they're worth a look if you're scouting for ways to build deeper connections among your students.

1. GEAR YOUR MEETING ROOM FOR RELATIONSHIPS.

Remember your great aunt's living room-the one where no actual living took place because it was so carefully decorated with tasteful furnishings that it was not fit for human comfort? Remember the time you put your arm on the back of her couch and it didn't sink in? This was not a relationally friendly environment.

I'm no interior-design expert, but I understand how our choices impact the room's function and mood. Is your seating arranged for relaxed conversation, or is it designed for kids to throw paper wads at the back of the person's head three rows in front of them? Get rid of the "theater" seating arrangement. It's a barrier to relationships, and it creates the same expectations a schoolroom does. Move in couches, futons, and a wide variety of table sizes. If the room is uptight, then your group will be uptight.

2. KNOW THE LAY OF YOUR LAND.

Our leaders jokingly refer to our youth room as "the battlefield." That's because a soldier will tell you that winning the battle has a lot to do with understanding the battlefield. Kids are creatures of habit. At our gatherings, they generally sit in the same places with the same people. Based on this knowledge, I created a diagram that split our meeting room into sections-each one had approximately 10 students.

For my next adult leader meeting, I created a diagram on a PowerPoint slide that pinpointed our regulars in their chosen sections and summarized each student's perceived level of spiritual commitment. I also pointed out the "safe zones"-those areas in the room where newcomers gather to be less conspicuous.

After we covered the room sections, I designated each adult leader as a section Captain, paired them with a student section Leader, and made them responsible for only the kids in their section. The goal was to divide and conquer for the sake of relationship-building-we reduced the ratio of adults to students to fuel more and deeper connections.

3. GIVE PERSONAL ATTENTION TO EVERY YOUNG PERSON WHO

WALKS IN THE DOOR.

You can't do relational ministry well if you're not somehow connecting with every student who shows up.1 Start at the door-make your first contact when the student is walking in.

We formed a student leadership team called, remarkably, the Welcome Team. These students hang out at the main entrance 20 minutes before our gatherings and 10 minutes after we get started (for stragglers). They greet kids by name as they walk in. I try to make it easy for my student leaders by giving them a "program" to hand to people as they're entering. The program serves two purposes-it gives my leadership kids an excuse to greet people at the door, and it gives newcomers something to hide behind during that first-time awkwardness.

Section Captains and Section Leaders know one of their primary responsibilities is to greet the students in their areas. They're also responsible to be on the lookout for newcomers. When they spot new faces, they have kids fill out "first-timer" cards and provide any materials needed for our time together.

The first five minutes of your gathering sets the tone for the entire time. Start them off with an experience of friendliness and warmth.

4. TEACH THEM SOMETHING THEY CAN USE.

When the Barna Research Group2 polled teenagers about their hopes and expectations for their church experience, "understandable, relevant teaching" was near the top of their list. It's our job to give our students something they can use. If you're like me, you love talking to a captive audience for as long as time allows, but are kids really getting something worthwhile out of that?