A SKIT FOR THANKSGIVING: EXTREMELY DISSED MAKEOVER

Group, Sep/Oct 2004 by Belknap, Bryan

USE THIS TAKEOFF ON TV'S POPULAR EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION AS A FOOLPROOF WAY TO GET KIDS TALKING-AND THINKING-ABOUT THANKSGIVING

CHARACTERS: Guy Bennington (host of the show), Jason Jones (father), Kristi Jones (mother), and Heidi Jones (daughter)

PROPS: Three blindfolds

SET: Create a "church foyer" by placing a table with a fancy centerpiece in the middle of the set.

MEDIA: Go to www.groupmag.com and click the Extras link, then click on Thanksgiving Skit Backdrop Photos to download digital photos of a cabin and a mansion to show during Guy's opening monologue. Also, you can tape the opening credits from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (airing on ABC Sunday nights at 9 p.m. Eastern time) and use the video clip to introduce the skit.

THE SKIT

Guy Bennington, the exuberant host, holds his arms wide in a welcoming gesture.

Guy: Welcome back to Excessive Home Remodel! It took our crack team seven days of around-the-clock work without food or sleep to finish this job. The Jones family is waiting outside, back from the all-expenses-paid Hawaiian vacation we sent them on. Remember (show slide of one-room cabin), we turned the Jones' one-room cabin that didn't have electricity or plumbing into (show slide of mansion) this beautiful mansion. Let's see what the Joneses think! (The Jones family-Jason, Kristi, and Heidi-enters as they're called, all wearing blindfolds.) Come on in, Mr. Jason Jones, Mrs. Kristi Jones, and their lovely daughter Heidi!

Jason: Who's that?

Guy: It's me, Guy Bennington, host of Excessive Home Remodel.

Heidi: This blindfold itches!

Guy: Don't take it off just yet, Heidi. First we want to know how your week in Hawaii went.

Kristi: Awful! I got sunburned so bad I had to sleep standing up strapped to the closet door.

Guy: I'm so sorry!

Jason: Yeah, Guy. What kind of crazy people keep throwing flower necklaces around your neck? I kept telling them I didn't want no flowers, but those people wouldn't listen!

Guy: It's Hawaiian tradition.

Jason: Not no more, it ain't (mimes punching someone in the throat). One punch to the thorax ended that silliness for good.

Guy: (Speaks to someone offstage) We can edit out that part about hitting people, right?

Jason: I didn't hit people, just one little lady! She smelled like patchouli.

Heidi: And the food was terrible! They kept serving us steak and lobster and unlimited dessert. All I wanted was split-pea soup and a Spamwich!

Guy: You're kidding.

Kristi: Us Joneses, we'll take a stale bag of Fritos any day over some chickeny thing stuffed with ham and cheese.

Guy: Chicken cordon bleu.

Kristi: (Covers Heidi's ears) Watch your tongue! There are children present.

Guy: You know what, let's forget it. You won't even remember Hawaii after you see your new home. We transformed your one-room shack into...well, you'll just have to see it. Ready?

The Jones family responds together with shrugs and disinterest.

Jason: Sure.

Kristi: I suppose.

Heidi: Whatever.

Guy: Okaaayyy...I'll assume that's just a subtle way of showing your excitement. Go ahead and take off your blindfolds!

The Joneses remove their blindfolds and look around with awe.

Heidi: Oh my...

Kristi: It's an absolute...

Jason: Disaster! What have you done to the place?!

The Joneses glare at Guy. After a moment, Guy breaks into nervous laughter.

Guy: You must've misunderstood. This room is only the entry into your house, not the whole thing. You used to live in one room, right? (Mimes opening a door.) That's why we added all of this: 12 rooms, 16 baths, an indoor swimming pool...

Kristi: Swimming pool? Why'd you put in a swimming pool? We can't swim.

Guy: Well, you could learn, or maybe invite over friends and have a party.

Kristi: (to Jason) Hear that? He's already inviting himself over. Next thing you know, he'll tell us we've got a kitchen.

Guy: Of course you do.

Kristi: With a refrigerator and stove and sink and everything?

Guy: The kitchen is a stainless steel, state-of-the-art wonder.

Kristi: That's just great. Now these two will expect me to cook every night! (Turns on Jason and Heidi.) I won't do it! I'm not your maid! (Turns quickly to Guy.) Does a maid come with the house?

Guy: No.

Kristi: (Spins back to Jason and Heidi.) I'm not your maid!

Kristi storms out of the room.

Guy: She seems...um...overwhelmed with emotion.

Heidi: Do I have my own room, Mr. Bennington?

Guy kneels in front of Heidi.

Guy: Yes, and we built a display room next to it filled with every Barbie doll ever made!

Heidi: I hate Barbie!

Guy: What?

Heidi: I collect Bratz dolls. Why'd you go and fill my room with stupid Barbies? I hate you!

Heidi runs away crying.

Guy: (Calls after her.) Not that way! That's the weight room!

Jason: You built a weight room?

Guy: Yes sir, a complete workout facility.

Jason: So you're saying I'm fat.

Guy: No, Mr. Jones. Not at all!

Jason: I see how it is. Send porky on a vacation where all the food's free. After he stuffs himself, we stick a fork in him on national W so the whole world can laugh at lard-o.

Guy: We just wanted to give you a nice house and make you happy!