Young Christians or PERFORMING SEALS?

Group, Nov/Dec 2004 by Dabdoub, Paul

When we pelt kids with encouragement all the time, we reap a crop of pressured, performance-based posers who live in fear of letting us down. Here's how to affirm your kids without setting them up for failure.

Kyle* was one of our success stories. In fact, he was the closest we've ever had to a bona fide poster boy for Christian teenagers. Even as a fifth-grader, the adults in our church were amazed at both his spiritual insights and passion for God. We all knew he was destined for great things, and we never hesitated to remind him about it.

Kyle made a smooth transition into junior high a couple of years ago. He faithfully showed up at all our weekend services and small-group meetings, and he served on several student leadership teams. He was cruising toward the happy future we'd all set before him.

And then it all came crashing down on him.

Several months ago, in a discipleship group Kyle attended, we discussed the pressure to perform. Specifically, we talked about living up to others' expectations. I had no idea that anything was striking a nerve with KyIe. But later, on his ride home from our group, he burst into tears. Through his sobs, he confessed to his mom that he was failing to live up to everyone's expectations. His surprised mom tried to console him. She told him that the encouraging words adults were always throwing at him were never meant to pressure him into being a "good Christian."

I was shocked and perplexed when I heard about Kyle's reaction. After all, we'd only been practicing a skill from Youth Ministry 101 : Affirm, build up, and encourage your kids as often as possible. How could our good gift have produced such pressure and condemnation in this boy? Basically, KyIe buckled under the weight of our encouragement.

Praise can be a killer

Even before he joined our youth group I'd spent many hours with KyIe. And since he transitioned into junior high, I've spent many more hours with him at boxing matches, basketball games, awards dinners, and the list goes on. If there ever were a kid I was close to, who I knew well, it was KyIe. So how could I have missed this? Why didn't he feel free to tell me about his gathering storm?

After beating my head against the wall for a week or so, the truth began to dawn on me. Affirmation and encouragement are wonderful gifts to teenagers, but not always. I've since discovered four ways encouragement can actually discourage my kids and impede their spiritual growth.

1. Kids feel pressured to perform in every area of life, and our affirming words can be just another brick on their backs.

I never expected KyIe to be a Super Christian. I simply affirmed what I thought was obvious to everyone. He shined as a Christian beyond most kids his age, and God had great things in store for his life. Harmless enough, right?

But what about the days when Kyle wasn't shining or didn't feel like doing great things? Well, in our glowing portrait of KyIe there was no place for bad days. He was supposed to be Joe Christian-every day, all the time. Subtly he'd traded in his Spirit-driven life for an image-driven life. The pressure to keep it all up really took a toll on his life physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

2. Affirmation can unwittingly "pedestalize" a teenager.

The path to the top of a pedestal can be quick and easy. Getting down, however, is another story. Once our constant affirmations installed KyIe on top of his own private pedestal, he couldn't talk himself down. First, he liked being pedestalizedwho wouldn't? second, even if he'd tried to talk himself down, our adults would've forced him back up. We would've seen his attempts to diminish himself as false modesty or unnecessary fear or ridiculous doubt.

He was stuck on that pedestal, and that's why our little talk on "the pressure to perform" unleashed such a torrent of grief and fear-he was a prisoner to our unattainable expectations.

3. When we repeatedly tell our teenagers how great they are, we subtly communicate that they can't be real.

Kyle's life didn't line up with how we repeatedly described him. He still had issues to deal with. He was angry with his neglectful father; he sometimes laughed with the boys who told obscene jokes; and he wrestled with lust. In Kyle's mind, no one God intended for "greatness" would deal with these issues.

So KyIe was in a painfully awkward place-if he were real about his problems he would disqualify himself from what God (we'd) called him to. If he came forward, the jig would be up and he'd never recover from it.

4. Affirmation that projects a glowing future for your kids can make them afraid to let you down.

My affirmation strategy with KyIe actually fostered an artificial relationship with him-he was the perfect Christian kid and I was his perfect spiritual mentor. The problem, of course, was that neither "truth" was true. Because I thought KyIe needed a perfect spiritual mentor, I transformed myself into one. In response, KyIe put on his best spiritual mask. We shared an awesome relationship that had no roots in reality.