sex RESPECT

Group, Jan/Feb 2005 by Melton, Tom

HOW TO WIN THE RIGHT TO TALK WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX, THEN ENGAGE THEM WITH A LIFE-CHANGING "NEUTRAL THIRD PARTY" STRATEGY

Last summer I flew from Denver to Boston with my two sons to attend an outdoor rock concert. The band playing was called Dispatch.1 They were the only band on the stage that night, and they hadn't played together since their breakup two years before. A local radio station and a juice company helped Dispatch stage the free concert to thank all of their fans and say an official goodbye.

In their eight years together, Dispatch had developed a significant following both regionally and nationally as an "indie" band. But my guess is you've never heard of them because they received little if any airplay on radio stations. So the promoters got a permit for up to 20,000 people, but they really had no idea how many fans would attend the concert. The only promotion was word-of-mouth, mostly on the Internet.

When my sons and I arrived at Boston's Hatch Shell concert venue at 2 p.m. for the 5 p.m. concert, our friend Brad Corrigan, the band's drummer, greeted us. We'd flown across the country to be with him for this marker moment in his life. We peeked out from backstage into the amphitheater and were astounded by what we saw-there were already at least 20,000 people camped out three hours before the show.

By the time the concert began, Boston police estimated there were 110,000 people gathered on the grounds-more than they'd ever seen in this venue. They were forced to close a major street surrounding the park because of the record overflow. For a band "no one ever heard of," this was astonishing. Halfway through the three-hour concert, Dispatch's Chad Urmston quieted the throng and announced from stage: "For seven years, [the establishment] just didn't get us, but you did. Thank you."

I believe those words-"they just don't get us"-capture what many kids today have been trying to say to adults when it comes to their attitudes and behavior. And nowhere is that more true than in their sexual lives. If we want to help kids deal with issues surrounding their sexuality, we must convince them that we get it! What kids want is respect-to be taken seriously. So what do we have to do before our teenagers believe we "get it"?

I've been speaking to teenagers, parents, and teachers about sexuality for almost 30 years-16 as a Young Life staffer and the last 13 as a senior pastor. It's never been easy to talk to kids about sex, and it's been equally difficult for them to hear what we have to say to them. As Aretha Franklin pleaded in her big hit "Respect," our challenge is to "find out what it means to me."

Listen to Understand

Teenagers feel R-E-S-P-E-C-T-E-D when we L-I-S-T-E-N first. Most of us talk first, and then get around to listening after we've emptied both barrels. We can talk at kids all we want about their sexual behavior, but we'll have no impact unless they've opened their souls' doors to us. And the most powerful door-opener around is an adult who listens well.

Whenever we attempt to talk with kids about their sexual choices, they pick up on the truth-our "listening" is really mental toe-tapping while we wait for our turn to speak.

The other day I was talking to a 16-year-old girl about her views on oral sex. I have to admit, the subject made me nervous. As she told me what her peers thought about this "not-really-sex" act, I could hardly keep a lid on my intense desire to correct her and her friends. She could see that intensity written all over my face, and before I could respond she said, "Just hear me out." What she was really saying was, "Listen to understand before you listen to respond."

Several years ago I wrote a self-published book for teenagers titled A Look at Sex From the Inside Out. in it, I laid out a strategy for guys and girls to learn how to listen to each other and understand each other's sexual makeup before they start making sexual choices. The senior highers who read my book-founded on the listen-first strategy-were eager to talk with me about their sexual issues. They felt respected because I worked hard to be authentic about my own sexual struggles and failures, then I invited the same from them.

When I pursued mainstream Christian publishers about publishing my book, they told me it wasn't strong enough on abstinence. They were saying, "You need to tell, not listen." The key here is that we can't impact kids' sexual beliefs and behaviors until they feel safe enough to let us see them for who they really are. "Just say no" doesn't work-kids want a conversation.

I think there are three reasons we struggle so hard to listen first.

1. We're afraid to understand. Is there some part of you that's reluctant to really understand your kids' views on sex because you're afraid they'll be so far off you won't know what to tell them? If so (and you're definitely not alone), it's probably easier for you to encourage kids to simply parrot the right answers. Unfortunately, because kids want to be accepted by their leaders, they're apt to do just that-they'll give you the answers they think you want them to say. But mere behavior modification has nothing whatsoever to do with a biblical foundation for making sexual choices. That is, it doesn't lead to the kind of core change in kids that they'll need when they're alone in a car with their boyfriend or girlfriend.