sex RESPECT

Group, Jan/Feb 2005 by Melton, Tom

2. We're not comfortable with our own sexuality. One reason we struggle to really listen is that we're often struggling with the same questions our teenagers are facing. I remember the first time I talked to a group of senior highers about masturbation. At first there were chuckles and giggles. I knew this was a tough subject. So at the outset, I simply admitted that I've struggled with masturbation as a teenager and a man. You could hear a feather land in that room. Leadership is all about going first-if we expect kids to offer us their real selves when we talk about sexuality, we have to jump out of the foxhole first. The more I talk about my own sexuality, the more ready I am to not fake it anymore. And when kids see you learning along with them, they're much more willing to open their souls to you.

3. We don't invest the time required. Often we don't want to listen simply because it takes too much time. We have so many things to do, programs to run, and deadlines to meet. Dialogue slows us down. Monologue speeds things up. It's easier for me to speak to a roomful of 200 kids than to sit down one-on-one and really listen. And even when I do listen, I feel compelled to run ahead to the answers. We may not know how to answer all of kids' questions, but if we're going to offer them something life-changing, they must know we're walking with them.

But here's the problem-the price of time is skyrocketing because our "time reserves" are dwindling much faster than our oil reserves. Author Richard Swenson, in his book Margin, pins the blame for Americans' stressed-out lifestyles on our habitually crammed schedules. We have no "margin" for conversations that spill past our tight boundaries. Therefore, we miss out on opportunities to connect with kids about difficult topics that take time to explore. This is not a theoretical "should"-if we don't change the way we schedule our time to allow for deeper connections, we won't be able to explore with kids their sexual choices.

Use "Neutral Third Parties*

If you're ready to gain kids' R-E-S-P-E-C-T by listening first and well, then you're ready to use the "neutral third party" strategy to address their sexual choices and behaviors. Practice "guided listening" with your group by using something outside yourself as a focal point. Books, video clips, audio tapes, and guest speakers can all function as powerful neutral third parties.2 When both you and your kids are focused on a fixed point outside yourselves, it frees you to be more open in what you share, and puts you in the place of a co-learner. You can listen to understand right along with them.

1. Books and Videos-This one's simple-just find a captivating book, Bible study, video, or program resource you can study together, then use it to spark deeper conversations. For example, use Group Publishing's Faith 4 Life: Sexuality Bible study resource for senior highers. It includes four interactive, easy-to-use Bible studies that integrate learning into kids' everyday life. It has optional activities, extra ideas, and teacher tips.