BUILDING A friendship-first MINISTRY

Group, Mar/Apr 2005 by Kageler, Len

COMPELLING RESULTS FROM THE FIRST-EVER NATIONAL RESEARCH PROJECT FOCUSED ON MEASURING THE IMPACT OF FRIENDSHIP-BUILDING IN THE CHURCH-HOW YOUR MINISTRY TO TEENAGERS CAN CAPITALIZE ON THE "BEST PRACTICES" OF HEALTHY CHURCHES

"I'm here to protect Jason," said Connor, matter-of-factly.

I stared back at him and asked, "Say that again?"

Connor was a senior higher I knew well from his days in our junior high group, and Jason was one of our regular junior highers. "Yeah, I'm watching out for Jason," repeated Connor. "I guess some kids here have been giving him a hard time."

My head was spinning-Jason brought a bodyguard to youth group! (I'm not making this up-it happened about four weeks ago.) I've experienced a lot of bizarre things in 30 years of youth ministry, but this was the first time I ever had a kid bring his bodyguard to the group. For 20 years I was a full-time youth pastor-I've now been a volunteer leader with a small group of junior highers in my church for the last decade.

Connor is a junior, a strong Christian, a student leader in the senior high youth group, and really, really big. And since the day Jason showed up with Connor in tow, he hasn't been back to our group.

This story is not only bizarre, it's (of course) heartbreaking. As youth leaders, we work hard to get kids to show up to our regular meetings and events. But we know they won't stay unless they experience real friendships in the group. Clearly, Jason's experience in our group was exactly counter to our hopes and goals.

When kids come, we feel successful-we see a lot of smiles on the faces of parents, board members, and our leaders. But when they bring bodyguards to the group, all those smiles fade quickly. I'm still trying to figure out who was making Jason's youth group experience so miserable. But the bottom line is that he experienced a crisis of friendship-we lost the chance to help him build a deepening faith in Christ because someone destroyed his friendship foundation.

the power of a friendship culture

In the fall of 2004, Group Publishing commissioned The Gallup Organization to explore the role of friendships in healthy, growing churches.1 Gallup compiled data on a variety of factors that predict health. The results, to say the least, are eye-opening (see D. Michael Lindsay's report on the study, "Healthy Churches Know How to Connect People," on page 69).

One aspect of the research was to gauge why people felt "very satisfied" with their church. According to Gallup's researchers, "very satisfied" means people are not only regular attenders, but active givers, involved in ministry, and deeply invested in all aspects of church life. What was the one thing that stood out as the biggest predictor of a "very satisfied" churchgoer?

Cash rebates.

Just kidding!

It was "friendliness." In the survey, nine out of 10 people (86 percent) who felt their church was "very friendly" also said they were "very satisfied" with their church. Researchers gave folks multiple opportunities to explain what "friendliness" really means to them. Most said it translated into getting together with people outside of the weekly worship experience. Those who did felt loved and accepted -they experienced a deeper sense of belonging. It's interesting to note that in the survey the largest churches were described as the most friendly.

The survey surfaced six aspects of the "friendliness factor." We'll explore each one and look for application strategies for youth ministry.

6 catalysts for friendliness

1. The power of affinity groups-Friendly churches, according to the Gallup/Group survey, offer people ample choices to gather with others who have common interests. The church I attend has a Mom's In Touch group. No doubt about it, when you've got small kids, you've got things you need to talk about! Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City has a lunch group for Wall Street brokers. They also have small groups for professional musicians or those who aspire to be one. In an effort to reach its community, Redwood City Covenant Church built an Olympic-size pool and a phalanx of tennis courts. Obviously, they've determined their most powerful affinity groups revolve around recreational interests.

American church history is filled with examples of churches providing a venue for common-interest activities. In the mid-1800s, a church on the lower east side of Manhattan had a shooting range (!) in its basement. I've been to a church in Canada that has a fully equipped wood shop. As I travel around New England I occasionally see ads for church quilting or sewing groups.

Apply all this to youth ministry and you get...quilting circles for junior highers! Well, maybe not. But the legitimate opportunities are almost endless. Youth groups are famous for their participation in basketball or softball leagues. One church of modest means near us simply opens up its parking lot so church kids (and their friends) can come to skateboard.

The 10,000-member Allan African Methodist Episcopal Church in New York City offers a dizzying array of affinity groups for its youth. The list of more than 40 groups includes: martial arts, worship dance groups, bands, choirs, rap groups, and a newspaper writer's guild. A smaller church in New Jersey has set up a recording studio in its facility where kids drop in daily after school to produce and create music and music videos.