BUILDING A friendship-first MINISTRY

Group, Mar/Apr 2005 by Kageler, Len

I learned a long time ago that "people don't do what you expect, they do what you inspect." My student leaders know they're expected to "give an account" of their important role as connectors in our group.

4. The power of helping kids make close friendships3-The Group/Gallup study revealed that people who have close friends at church strongly feel their church is friendly. You didn't need a study to tell you that. The first three factors I've covered help set the stage for close friendships. But in the adolescent world, friendships are volatile, fluid, and intense. That means friendship-building is fraught with potholes in youth ministry.

Gossip, slander, and jealousy are the prevalent viruses infecting teenage friendships. These highly infectious predators are a forced reminder about the importance of prayer, prayer, and more prayer. Also, I'm not much of a counselor, but I've tried to surround myself with volunteer leaders who are gifted in listening to kid-pain-people who can gently offer hope to those who are suffering through friendship struggles.

5. The power of shared meals-Gallup researchers found that when people experience a church as habitually hospitable, they see that church as friendlier than others. Youth pastors are experts at hospitality. We're innovators in figuring out how to serve food with almost everything we do-we've raised it to an art form. In youth culture, as in adult culture, food communicates that the group is a "safe zone." Snack time and meal time are prime times for my student leadership people to sit down next to someone they don't normally connect with. It's no wonder Jesus accomplished so much in his disciples' lives over shared meals.

6. The power of seeing young people well-Nothing's more powerful in a teenager's life than an adult who legitimately enjoys him or her. To enjoy your teenagers, you have to study them like Sherlock Holmes trying to unravel a mystery. That means noticing the unnoticed details of their lives, then following those clues down to their core-the "real me."

I'm over 50, and the primary way I study my kids is by playing my heart out with them. After the game is over and we're enjoying a snack together, I like to speak to two or three kids individually to tell them something good I noticed about them that night (a good question, a great catch, a sincere prayer, and so on). I also ask them to give me something specific I can pray about for them, and I'm quick to give them something they can pray about for me. The next week I check in with them about their prayer request. Sometimes kids run up to me as I'm pulling into the church parking lot to tell me what happened with their prayer request.

how friendliness impacts spiritual growth

A huge finding in the Gallup/Group study is that adults who feel their churches are friendly, and are thus very satisfied with their church, are experiencing spiritual transformation. They have more "firsthand" encounters with God in their lives than folks who go to less-friendly churches.