PERSONAL GROWTH

Group, Sep/Oct 2005 by Merritt, Steve

different planets

In a recent conversation with a former youth pastor, the subject of working with parents came up, and it helped explain why the word "former" now applied to him.

When this young man was asked to leave his youth ministry position, he thought it was because a majority of the parents in his ministry wanted him gone. Later he discovered that only five out of 300 parents were disgruntled with his performance. Less than 2 percent had toppled his years of hard work and dedication to teenagers.

These kinds of stories strike fear into the hearts of many young youth workers. Sometimes it must seem to them that parents come from different planets or at least from separate hemispheres. I applaud family-based ministry, but I wonder if it's often the mid-30 or 40-year-old youth workers who are really able to understand it and pull it off.

Younger youth pastors-out on their own for the first time (other than college), eager to show their independence, wanting to do a good job-are in a completely different phase of life than the average parent of a teenager. Twentysomething youth workers are good with young people, creative, full of energy, and willing to try new things.

Middle-aged parents, on the other hand-often sandwiched in between their teenagers and aging parents-just want things to go smoothly. Worried about losing control, they have acid reflux over the ever-present pressure in today's youth culture. They like the idea of outreach...as long as it doesn't mean that those kids with the skateboards become their sons' and daughters' close-knit peer group.

Here are a few ideas to help younger youth pastors make this strange marriage succeed.

Leadership-From the get-go, set the tone that you're the leader. Develop your own philosophy of ministry by articulating the thought, purpose, and plan behind what you're doing. Communicate your philosophy to parents, students, pastoral staff, and church members in every way possible.

As you lead, make sure to create a parent-friendly atmosphere. Invite input from parents by setting up times when parents can ask questions and express their concerns. Include parents in your yearly planning sessions. Give them a vision of how they can be a part of what you're trying to accomplish, either as members of the volunteer staff or as leaders in their homes.

Communication-Send out lots of information via email and newsletter that lets parents know the details about upcoming events-times, dates, and so on. If possible, enlist a parent to take charge of a parent newsletter.

Hold seminars and training for parents on parenting and youth culture topics. Check in with veteran youth workers who can teach on these subjects or know of others who can.

Develop a team mentality to communicate the youth ministry's goals and accomplishments. Emphasize the important role of all the church members in growing young people in Christ.

Know when to keep confidences. Kids need to feel safe, but parents need to know if their sons or daughters are in any kind of danger.

If you're a beginning youth pastor, remember that parents are people too! Although they can't be your main focus, pursuing and caring for your students' parents is an important part of youth work, and you can do relational ministry with them.

STEVE MERRITT is a longtime contributor to group and a counselor whose practice focuses on teenagers. He lives in Washington state.