Extreme Academia

Academe, Jan/Feb 2005 by Gregory, Melissa

When it comes to new programming, academia offers a gold mine for Hollywood producers.

Inspired by the charismatic magnetism of the Professors Heinz on PBS's Colonial House, networks have realized that academics are a huge untapped resource for the world of reality television. Airing next fall . . .

The Swan: Tenure!

The competitors, two assistant professors seeking one tenure slot, sweat away in their offices day and night over five weeks, working to lose unsightly rejection letters and bad teaching evaluations.

"I used to think my low self-esteem resulted from the collapse of university presses and my heavy course load," one contestant says. "But Fox TV's life coach, NeIy Galan, has helped me realize that it has everything to do with my cheekbones and the bond weight of my c.v. paper!"

Candidate receives new lips and a fully overhauled tenure file: special fonts, bullet points, a spiffy table of contents. "It doesn't even look like me," she sobs, kissing the spiral-bound Kinko's folder.

Winner is granted tenure, ten new committee appointments, and the chance to compete for the position of Ultimate Swan: department chair.

PBS's Medieval House

Cameras stationed in one of the junior professor's hovels reveal the makings of a peasant rebellion, but several serfs claim to prefer bubonic plague to grading papers. English professor Dennis Baron is assigned the role of lord but is ousted by the show's producer when he spends all his time writing velum scroll articles about how hard it is to be a lord instead of ruling his subjects.

"Welawey and alas," he sighs. "Me lathis my role as professional example-setter."

Show culminates with Viking invaders who slaughter the professors who earnestly try to "dialogue" with them in best pedagogical fashion.

"I don't mean to complain about the Other," says one. "But did they really have to use battle axes?"

Queer Eye for the Academic Guy

The Fab Five makes over a hapless associate professor from a medium-sized university in Ohio.

"Okay, we already know you are smart, but we're going to see what we can do about making you look smart," says makeover artist Carson.

"This is your office?" asks his colleague Thorn. "Okay. I've heard of fing shut, but this is like, I don't know, feng shut up. First thing we need to do is lose the bookshelves!"

Grooming czar Kyan fusses with the professor's Supercuts coif and admonishes him, "Problem number one: it's obvious you spend way more time on your research than your hair. Goodbye sparky prose, hello spiky haircut. Less problematizing and more product."

Culture guru Jai is horrified to learn that the professor has read every book by famed author Umberto Eco but has never seen Broadway show Avenue Q. "We need a radical prioritizationectomy, stat!" Meanwhile, Carson and Thorn build a robust bonfire out of tweed.

Barbara Walters's Adoption Story

English professor Stanley Fish adopts the University of Illinois at Chicago but then abandons it in a gutter. Show host Walters tries to turn a deadbeat dean tragedy into an uplifting adoption saga, bvit couple after couple refuses to embrace this troubled teen.

"I would rather take home a new interdisciplinary 'studies' program to raise instead of a grown-up college with fully formed dysfunctions," says one potential mom.

"I was really looking for something more along the lines of a small vocational school," says another. "We don't have a big backyard."

Celebrity Poker: Theory!

Academics gather to play card games using AltaMira Press's "Theory Trading Cards." In the World Series, the game looks to be over when a hand of four Michel Foucaults beats a Camille Paglia high straight flush, but then a literature professor trumps everyone else by slamming down a Terry Eagleton Ace that negates the relevance of cultural theory altogether. Show is sent straight into harmless reruns.

Average Joe

Journal editors deliberately select mediocre articles for their next issues. No one notices.

Graduate Student Moms and Dads

Modeled after Bravo's successful Showbiz Moms and Dads, this show follows desperate parents who push their twenty-something kids to enter and complete doctoral programs.

"Some people say it's child abuse," complains a defensive mom. "But they don't know/ how fabulous my darling looks in a doctoral hood."

"These kids want to do this," insists an aggressive dad, who claims he's not trying to vindicate his languished ABI) status by living through his son. "People who criticize us are freaks who think 'good parenting' is all about shielding your offspring from 'privation' and 'frustration' and 'misery.'"

Watch one assertive mom stand at the back of a classroom, broadly enacting gestures and facial expressions for her teaching assistant daughter to follow while conducting class. "I wish she wouldn't do this," the daughter mutters as mom broadly mouths the word "hegemony."

Another mom cradles her son, a budding Classics scholar, to her chest and coos, "My Tyler is such a hit with the undergraduate girls. You should see them line up for his office hours. They love his long lashes and his insights on themes in Sophocles."