prayer relationship, The

Spiritual Life, Fall 1999 by Maalouf, Jean

PRAYER IS, ABOVE ALL, A GENUINE ENCOUNTER with the Lord and with others too. It is a true relationship. A true relationship can be scary. One is afraid to fail in a relationship because of the fear of rejection. Also, one is afraid to succeed because of the many changes needed to adapt and adjust to the new situation. In a relationship, while keeping company with the significant other, one has to accept the consequences of this company.

A relationship has a central place in our lives. It is perhaps the only thing worth living for, especially when the other is God. Our life becomes a love story we tell through prayer. Three questions emerge as we make our way: Who Is This God to Whom We Pray? Who Is This Person Who Is Praying? What Does the "Our Father" Mean?

Who Is This God to Whom We Pray?

We often think that God is a miracle worker, one who magically transforms war into peace, makes the paralyzed walk, and provides homes for the homeless. He makes all things right. We expect a miracle at the particular moment we find ourselves in difficulty. We pray as though we were eloquently presenting a case before the Almighty to persuade heaven to create a totally different course of events.

But why is it that this supernatural miracle worker does not change this or that evil into good and grace? Why does he allow terrible things to happen to innocent children? Why are there bad things happening to good people? When God is presented as the universal fixer, a sick person may start to pray so hard that he or she becomes a religious addict. If this person does not heal, he or she often becomes angry at God and may reject religion altogether. We can also view God as a "weapon" against all those who do not believe in him. Who would dare not to take God's side? Threats of rejection, punishment, or abandonment will force the opponent to the required belief system. Prayer becomes a means to use the God "weapon" against our adversary. Prayer can easily become a means of power and for controlling others.

Another way we use God and religion occurs when we feel discomfort with ourselves, our relationships, and our world. We use God, the Church, or a minister to alleviate our discomfort and escape to another "world." We then feel better-accepted, praised, respected, and powerful. We can also see God as an angry God-a God who is ready to punish us with sickness or other disasters if we break the rules. This is a God who is "going to get us." With this God, we feel fear, guilt, shame, and resentment. In this instance, prayer may become just a means to appease God's anger and to escape emotional pain.

Religion can also become the "opium of the people." If this is so, prayer will invoke the name of God for all the wrong reasons. God helps to win an election, to justify a social or economic system, or to maintain the privileges of a certain race, gender, class, or party. God becomes the justification of the status quo, and prayer becomes the vehicle for political gain or self-interest.

Is this who our God is? Is our God really an angry, unforgiving, egotistic, even bloody tyrant who must be feared? Can he not be a loving, accepting, joyful God, always ready to help, always compassionate, always creative? He is the one who said,

Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you. (Is 49:15)

He is the one who also said, "With age-old love I have loved you" (Jer 31:3), and it is he who so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him_may not die, but may have eternal life. (Jn 3:16)

The above are important questions we must face when we want to understand all there is about prayer. For prayer will not be the same with a dysfunctional God as with a loving God. A dysfunctional God causes dysfunctional prayer. We must say good-bye to the magical God of "quick fixes" and welcome the loving God who asks us to be involved in the changes we want to make in ourselves and in the world. This means, however, that a new relationship with him must take place.

Who Is This Person Who Is Praying?

An important consideration for understanding prayer is to know who we are and what kind of temperament we carry because different people have unique ways of praying, exactly as they have different ways of relating to each other. It is not a question of better or worse; they are just different. Let me explain what I mean.

Do you know yourself? A classical definition in psychology of the different types of temperament is helpful to recall here. Are you a thinking type? People of the thinking type usually try to make decisions on an objective basis. Their minds are more developed than their hearts. They are rational and logical, and they follow the law of evidence. They usually do not show feelings easily, nor are they comfortable in dealing with the feelings and emotions of others. Are you a feeling type? People of the feeling type usually try to make decisions on a personal basis or according to their own likes and dislikes. Their hearts are in command, not their heads. They are forgiving, sentimental, and skillful in handling personal situations. They are sensitive to their own feelings and to the feelings of others. They consider a decision good if it takes into account the feelings of others.