Marital Spirituality: The search for the Hidden Ground of Love

Spiritual Life, Winter 2000 by McCarty, Julie

Marital Spirituality: The Search for the Hidden Ground of Love. By Patrick J. McDonald and Claudette M. McDonald. New York: Paulist Press, 1999. Pp. 198. Paper. $14.95.

In Finding God at Home: Family Life as Spiritual Discipline (Harper and Row, 1984), Ernest Boyer describes an experience he had while listening to a lecture on "desert spirituality." Although drawn to many elements of this contemplative path, Boyer, as a husband and father, felt a tug of frustration. This led him to pose the question, "Is there childcare in the desert?" In Conjugal Spirituality (Sheed and Ward, 1994), Mary Anne McPherson Oliver explores this problem, noting that traditional spiritualities often feel "slightly out of focus" for married persons. Oliver categorizes traditional spiritualities as generally belonging to one of two groups; either the "one-alone-with-- God" lifestyle of the hermit or the "group-together-with-God" communal spirituality of monastics.

Married couples who desire a deep spirituality that speaks genuinely to the married experience will encounter a breath of fresh air in Patrick and Claudette McDonald's latest book, Marital Spirituality: The Search for the Hidden Ground of Love. The combination of their own marriage experience of more than twenty-five years, their work as licensed marital and family therapists, and their obvious interest in spirituality has led to an innovative book geared at formulating a solid marital spirituality.

Just what is "marital spirituality?" In the opening chapters, the McDonalds present it as a joint spirituality, a "shared quest for the hidden ground of love" (p. 36). Rather than pit the love of another person over against the love of God (as sometimes seems to be done in traditional spiritualities), the McDonalds rightly situate genuine marital love as growing out of the fertile soil ("hidden ground") of God's own love. Marital spirituality includes intimate sharing of one's deepest thoughts and feelings, compassionate attentiveness to one's spouse, and sexual expression as integral elements. The authors suggest that the deeper a couple delves into the mystery of their own love, the more they will discover that the basis of their love is, in reality, God's love.

In order to come into greater contact with this "hidden ground of love," the McDonalds propose the use of the prayer practice of lectio divina ("divine reading"). In Marital Spirituality, this ancient prayer form is expanded into a tool for spouses to listen and reflect on God's Word, discern God's message, and respond appropriately to each other and God. Readers are gradually led into the process through sample meditations throughout the book.

The authors also present four "processes" of marital spirituality for our consideration: 1) more sensitized bonding, 2) an experience of the sacred, 3) the search for the living God, and 4) the contemplative marriage. The word "process- recognizes the developmental nature of marriage, in which the onset of romance carries a different flavor from the maturing wine of later years together.

The first process is explored in the chapter entitled "Toward a More Sensitized Bonding," which looks at the "three distinct selves" of marriage. Marriage involves "I" (my distinct self), "You" (my spouse), and "We" (our shared self). A healthy marriage respects and develops each spouse as a unique person, while also embracing the "shared self' of the couple. As the marriage progresses through different stages of life, the balance may shift. Understanding this may help couples weather the "dark nights" of "for better or worse."

Chapter four looks at the next process of marital spirituality in which deeper awareness of the "experience of the sacred" is discovered. Couples begin to see the ways God, the "hidden ground of love," is mysteriously present in the everyday events of married life. This growing awareness leads to greater awe, peacefulness, deeper honesty with each other, and increasing freedom to live a simple life together.

The third process, "embracing the personal God," is examined in chapter five. Through the use of the psalms for marital lectio divina, couples are invited to a fuller realization of the personal and unique love God has for them. God is not merely sacred energy or mysterious presence, but One who dwells with us, knows our hearts intimately, and loves us deeply and personally.

The chapter entitled "The Contemplative Marriage" identifies the marital process in which the couple's love evolves into an even greater intimacy with God and each other:

Like the blossoming ofa new flower, marred love opens under the rays of the warm sun to present its unique gifts to the spouses who sincerely hunger for them (p. 137).

Not to be confused with "feel good" or shallow spiritualities, the contemplative marriage experiences a richer awareness of God's presence, even in the midst of trials and suffering. While sharing much in common with monastic contemplatives, married contemplatives engage in their own unique "flavor" of contemplation (p. 149). The book concludes with a brief sketch of practical suggestions for developing a joint prayer life and an invitation to other couples to contribute to the evolving field of marital spirituality.