My secret closet

Real Living with Multiple Sclerosis, Jun 2003 by Siebert, Leonora

Feeling tense? Travel to a peaceful place in your mind.

WHEN MY CAREGIVING DUTIES overwhelm me, I go into my secret closet. It's a place where I can sort out my thoughts and be alone. It's a place where I'm able to shut out all my problems and step away from the demands placed on me. When I'm in a stressful situation and feel nervous and upset, I mentally go "into my closet" and use my own techniques to release tension. Everyone needs a place where they can go for meditation or to rethink a current situation.

With the proper training, coping skills can take us over many hurdles. Before I had my secret closet, my mind was a jungle of angry thoughts. Hostility clouded my judgment and was playing havoc with my health.

One very stressful situation occurred regularly while we were living in Houston, Tex. My husband's doctor was on the opposite side of town from our home. He only saw patients in the afternoon, so Colins appointments were always set for 3:00. This forced us to leave the Houston Medical Center around the 5 p.m. rush hour. I began to have panic attacks in the middle of Houston traffic. My body felt tied in knots. My hands would start to freeze on the steering wheel, yet the rest of me was always set on ready, set, go.

At times, my anger was triggered by outside forces that had nothing to do with caregiving. For example, standing in the 10-items checkout line while someone in front of me had 20 items made me crazy. Even someone not moving fast enough at a traffic light would make me anxious. I wanted to get out of my car and knock on the offender's window and tell him to move it or lose it.

All these events were beyond my control. They were events that I couldn't change, just as I can't make my husband's MS go away.

Learned Acceptance

One day, I saw something on television about how to overcome phobias. I decided to see if I could use this method to help me create stress-coping thoughts. The first step, however, was to move out of Houston to a smaller city. It took about the same amount of time to drive to Colins doctor from the other side of Houston and I didn't have the stress of rush-hour stop-and-go traffic on the Katy Freeway.

I started a list of situations in which I felt the most stress and worked my way down to the ones where I felt the least tension. I visualized each event in my mind, starting with the person in the grocery line, what she looked like, her crying child in the cart seat, and the smells of fresh fruit in her basket. I mentally started a conversation with her and found her to be a delightful person.

For the person at the traffic light, I visualized his shining new car, the color and make, and the bald spot on the back of his head. I visualized him daydreaming about where to take his wife and children out to dinner. By learning to relax in these imagined scenes I was able to relieve my tension.

When larger issues are at stake, rather than saying, "I can't handle this. It's too much for me," I tell myself, "Relax. You can handle this." The more attention you give to your coping monologue, the quicker relief will come from your stressful situation.

When I feel my stomach getting in knots and every muscle in my body feels strained, I reinforce myself by saying, "Relax, take deep breaths, this will be over soon. I've survived worse and I will again." It comes down to accepting whatever your situation is, and walking away or closing your mind to the Stressor. Our interpretation of a situation or predicting the next stressful occurrence is what creates our stressful emotions. I still go into my secret closet and have learned that the bottom line is to accept what you can't change with grace.

Lenora Siebert lives in Beaumont, Tex.