Dangerous attractions?

Lutheran, The, Jun 1999 by Everist, Norma, Everist, Burton

God creates us for healthy relationships

What should a man or woman do if they feel highly attracted to a person of the opposite sex other than their spouse? How should married people behave toward people of the opposite sex?

People will experience attractions. We are sexual beings. What we do with these feelings matters. God calls us to view each other as beings created in God's image-not as objects of conquest for self-gratification or as props for our self-esteem.

When such attractions occur we need to create and maintain an appropriate distance to minimize temptations. We also need to confide in a trusted counselor, pastor or wise friend with whom we can be honest. Bringing our feelings into the open drains them of much of their power to control us so that we remain faithful to our commitments.

A husband and wife need not, should not, isolate themselves. But it's not healthy for marriages if either partner spends time and emotions excessively on another party. In a healthy marriage, love grows and deepens in a way that strengthens us to share life with an intimacy appropriate to other relationships.

Private porn?

While cleaning I found a dozen pornographic (not sex education) videos my husband had hidden. We have been married more than 25 years. He is a deacon and a Sunday school teacher. What do I do?

Bring this out in the open between the two of you. Church leaders are no more invulnerable to temptation and sin than anyone else. But their actions and counsel can have harmful impact on others. Your husband's use of pornography endangers others-and your relationship.

Seek counseling together. Using pornography is a symptom of sexual dysfunction. Some men and women believe it may help their relationship. But pornography uses people as objects, dehumanizing them. It doesn't deepen respect and appreciation between spouses.

In Sexuality: Some Common Convictions (1996), the ELCA Church Council declared: "Pornography is sinful because it depicts sexuality in ways that are violent and/or demeaning.... Those who pose for such material, those who view it, and the general public become the victims of pornography."

Money spent on it supports an industry that preys upon people. There is no innocent use of pornography. a Readers are invited to send questions to "Since You Asked, " The Lutheran, 8765 W Higgins Rd., Chicago, IL 60631-4183; or via E-mail to burton_everist. parti@ecunet.org. Space does not allow publication of all questions, but all receive serious consideration. The volume of letters makes personal replies impossible.

The Rev. Norma Cook Everist is professor of church and ministry at Wartburg Seminary in Dubuque, Iowa. The Rev. Burton L. Everist is pastor of Grace Lutheran Church, East Dubuque, Ill., and director of the Emmaus Center for continuing education.