Raising nonviolent kids: 12 ideas for shaping healthy, safe, peace-loving children

Lutheran, The, Aug 1999 by Obsatz, Michael

One after another, boys shoot up their schools. In the last two years, they've killed 28 and injured dozens.

Countless more have been traumatized by their violence and that of youth threatening copycat crimes.

Even more mayhem happens outside classroom walls. The Children's Defense Fund claims that a child is killed by firearms every 92 minutes. A youth growing up in the United States is 15 times more likely to die from gunfire as a child in Northern Ireland. From 1985 to 1995, the number of juveniles murdered by firearms went up 153 percent.

What's wrong? There isn't one answer. Our children have ingested a diet of violence for years. They witness 200,000 acts of violence on various media by age 18.

Many of the young men who shot up their schools played vicious video games and listened to violent music. Most were loners. Several were bullied and harassed regularly. Some had caring and involved parents; others did not.

Feeling put-upon, the shooters may have wanted to be special. Some were depressed and suicidal or susceptible to the negative influences of peers. All had access to weapons. A few were expert marksmen-in some cases learning precision from playing video games.

Almost all these boys felt helpless, hopeless and out of control. Their lives were filled with disappointment, frequent rejection and crushing betrayal.

What kids need

But all young people experience disappointment and rejection. How can we raise healthy, safe, nonviolent children? It takes more than metal detectors and gun laws. It takes adults willing to commit their time, effort and skills. Without this, we will continue to see the death and destruction of too many young lives. Here's what parents and other adults can do to help children cope with violent urges. To raise nonviolent children, they need:

1. A sense of being loved by God for who they are

With this spiritual base, children more easily handle bad days, disappointment and rejection. Youth grounded in God's love know God will never abandon them. They have something to depend on when the world seems uncaring and difficult.

Tell your children how your life is enhanced by knowing God's love. Encourage adults in your church to share their faith journeys with children in the congregation. Share how your faith helped you cope with a disappointment.

Interpersonal skills

Children must learn to listen, communicate, ask for help, make friends and seek adult support. Practice listening skills. Share a story and ask the child to describe the feelings expressed in it. Teach the child that empathy means understanding and caring about others' feelings. Describe a difficult situation from your childhood and ask the youth to empathize with your pain.

3 To be initiated into adulthood by thoughtful, compassionate adults

Adults-not only parents-who are willing to spend time with children can teach about life's challenges and joys by leading confirmation classes or youth groups. Or they can just be a friend in the neighborhood. Some can be mentors who meet with youth oneon-one and teach them about their jobs, faith and choices they have made.

Youth need a supportive extended family and a spiritual community that loves and accepts them. Create a "We Love Kids" week or month that celebrates the children in your congregation or community. Plan special events for youth and reinforce positive and caring behavior.

4. A sense of purpose and hope

Children need to feel they have a reason to live no matter how difficult life gets, that God will help them find their way. Talk to your children about when and how having hope helps you. Share your sense of purpose-why you do what you do. Brainstorm about their purpose, having them list their special talents and gifts.

5. To stop putting others down

Too many young people are ostracized, laughed at and shunned. Adults underestimate the emotional pain children experience on playgrounds, in hallways and on school buses.

Make a list of judgmental comments. Teach youth how to stop making such comments. List cliques that exist in your children's schools and discuss how they exclude others.

Teach children to listen to others and to respect boundaries and privacy. Be a good example by demonstrating respect for your child and for those with different beliefs and values.

6. Noncelebrity role models

Youth need to learn about ordinary community heroes. Tell children about people who help the poor and the sick, who sacrifice for others. Write stories about ordinary heroes in your congregation's newsletter.

7 To be held accountable

Children should develop a work ethic and goals. They must understand the consequences of their behavior for others.

8 To limit their exposure to violent media and toys

Teach nonviolent ways of solving problems-negotiation, mediation and compromise. Discuss violence seen on television, in movies and video games with your children. Avoid violent toys such as action figures that come equipped with guns. Talk to children about the messages these toys send.

9. To walk away from fights and violent situations