Dealing with a role change

Lutheran, The, Feb 2004

As Clara Kirkendall, a Chicago grandmother who is raising her four grandchildren (see page 44) says, "Grandparents are no longer a luxury. They're often a necessity."

But even if grandparents are younger, "it's still something they weren't expecting to deal with," says Connie Booth, a kinship care expert at Lutheran Social Service of Minnesota. Booth works with 500 such grandparents and grandchildren annually.

"It's a role change," Booth says. "They're not the doting grandparent anymore. There's a grieving process for grandparents and grandchildren since both have lost a special relationship. And that grief can be renewed again and again if they deal with the stress of a parent who pops in and out."

Booth says concerns grandparents may have include:

* Feeling shame or guilt. Grandparents raise their grandchildren for a range of reasons, Booth says, including their child's death, unemployment, military service, divorce, desertion, incarceration or substance abuse. "But there's often a sense of 'What did I do to create this problem?' And people may look askance at them, even though most likely they did nothing wrong as parents. We try to remind grandparents that they did their best-that if these are choices they disagree with, they are choices their adult children made."

* Losing their friends. Social contacts may disappear. "They can't pick up and go out whenever they want anymore, and their friends may not want to invite them over for fear their homes aren't childproof," she says.

* Finances. "Unfortunately, many states don't recognize the value these grandparents provide in keeping these children out of the foster-care system," Booth says. "Some singleparent grandparents have told me about the moment when they realized child care was more than their takehome pay."

While many states offer subsidized day care, waits can be extremely long. Some states also offer financial aid for relatives who are awarded foster care or who adopt a special needs grandchild. Financial assistance may also be available through "child-only grants" from Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, based on the grandchild's income, but Booth warns that it is generally only a small amount.

* Grandchildren with special needs. "Many of these children have been abused or neglected," Booth says. "Some have learning [or other] disabilities. And they all may be dealing with abandonment issues, even if it's from the death of a parent."

* Health. Say you're 63 and you have a 3-year-old granddaughter. "You're worried about living long enough, keeping your health long enough to see your grandchild through high school," Booth says.

* Custody issues. Registering a grandchild in school, protecting them from an abusive parent or providing them with health care all require legal custody. On top of custody issues, "a grandparent may have mixed feelings about an adult child, wanting them to be able to parent, but also not wanting to lose their grandchild," Booth says. "And if there are [substance abuse or other] issues with a parent, a grandchild may worry about going back to that parent."