TREASURES WITHOUT TURMOIL

Lutheran, The, Mar 2004 by Sevig, Julie B

Readers advise how to distribute heirlooms after a family death

Granted, not every sibling has the same treasure tale as Mary Ann Johnson and her brother.

The Johnsons came from distant cities to clean out their parental home in Lubbock, Texas, after their mother's death. Their thoughtful, methodical way of working through the house in one week's time proved to be a success story.

"We chose easy tasks first, beginning with the linen closets," says Mary Ann Johnson, a member of Holy Trinity Lutheran Church, Lancaster, Pa. "We worked on, moving gradually to more difficult decisions. As tears sometimes flowed and possible conflicts entered the dynamic, we vowed that we wouldn't allow pain and hurt feelings to jeopardize our love and support of one another during this painful task."

They placed the most sentimental objects on a table in the family room. When all else was sorted, they returned to those items. "I chose, then he, until everything was gone," she says. "To this day we have some of these special items in our homes, and our relationship continued with new respect and affirmation for who each of us was in our adult life, having shared this common start."

Johnson and other survivors-of loved ones and of potential conflicts-responded to The Lutheran's reader call for inventive ways to distribute goods after a family death.

A three-page e-mail with the subject line "family in pain" reminds us of the many testimonials of distribution gone wrong. But readers who answered this call had practical, even clever, advice for others. And, like Johnson, were proud of the way they or their loved ones had conducted themselves.

THINK AHEAD TO AVOID FUSSING

Peaceful distribution is often the result of foresight. So start now-put a name on it or make a list, readers say.

Harold Skillrud, a retired ELCA bishop in Atlanta, learned that advice years ago when visiting the congregational matriarch upon his arrival as pastor of Lutheran Church of the Redeemer, Atlanta.

He recalls: "Shortly after the visit began she made a strange request. 'Turn over that chair,' she commanded. I obeyed without question. 'What do you see?' ? scrap of paper with a man's name,' I replied. 'That's my son. Now turn over that lamp.' Once more a scrap of paper was attached, this time with her daughter's name on it. 'Everything I own has a person's name attached. I know I won't be around long, and when I'm gone I don't want any family fussing.'"

'YOUFIRST'

Well-aware of how many families end up in "heated battles and angry aftermaths," Lester and Nancy Polenz, Mount Gilead, Ohio, decided their way of keeping peace was to ask for nothing.

"We admit such a stance meant that we missed out on some valuable and desirable things," wrote Lester, a retired pastor whose church membership remains at Shepherd of the Hills Lutheran, Sylva, N.C. "But as time passed, we realized that nothing was worth any conflict or confusion that might have resulted from our insisting on our rights to what we wanted or treasured.

"To not insist on our rights or wishes went against the grain, yet we have never regretted taking that stance. 'You first' defused all conflict and ill feelings. And what we never had didn't make any real difference to us anyway. The memory of our parents and loved ones didn't consist of what they had, but what they meant to us."

When his parents downsized, L. Douglas Coventry, Abiding Hope Lutheran Church, Littleton, CoIo., knew the family would have to decide who would get the 1904 player piano-a potential problem between him and his sister. "So at the time I just made sure the piano went to my sister for good rather than become an issue later," he says.

Connie Murphy, Trinity Lutheran Church, Midland, Mich., was the recipient of a similar solution made with her sister, Debi, who is 15 years younger. Their mother told them who was to get what jewelry, with the exception of a big diamond ring. Murphy dreaded the topic because she knew they both wanted it.

"My sister finally brought it up: 'I was thinking about it. I wouldn't get to wear it much with the kind of work I do, so you take it and leave it to me when you die.' A perfect solution! I get to wear the ring during my lifetime and when I'm gone she will have it," Murphy recalls.

Jean Fell, Advent Lutheran Church, Solon, Ohio, went last in her family's turn-taking but says even that worked out. "Being the baby of the family, I certainly didn ' t think I would be getting a large solitaire of my dreams, and I didn't," she says. "But when the box came my way, my dear grandmother's wedding ring leapt into my heart-much more precious than anything fancier!"

Edward Rondthaler thinks fondly of his wife when he sees her friends, especially those at Our Saviour Lutheran Church, Croton-on-Hudson, N.Y. "After our children made their choices, I felt it appropriate to invite her friends, one at a time, to choose a piece of her jewelry as a remembrance," he says. "It has helped keep a warm memory of her in the hearts of many."

DON'T SAY'DESERVE'