College on ly accepts one student: Rises to Numer One in Rankings

Journal of College Admission, Winter 2003 by MacGowen, Brad

CHIMERA (AP) -Amid cheers from proud students, alumni and the incoming freshman, Chimera College accepted the award for being the number one ranked college according to World Rankings Weekly (motto: "we rank, therefore we are"). At the campus-wide celebration, Chimera's president stated, "We found that actually accepting students was bad for our reputation."

Accepting only one student made Chimera College the most selective in the country and, as an Early Decision admit, it increased the college's yield to 100 percent. According to Quixote, "It's the statistics in the formula that put it at the top. It has nothing to do with educational quality."

Applications for future classes are already up, as parents from affluent suburbs, and other affluent places, are pushing their children to apply to the college under the new Very Early Decision Plan. Under this plan, prospective students apply while still in utero (Apgar scores can be submitted in place of SATs).

"If the college is that hard to get into, it must be great!" exclaimed one excited parent.

Donald Quixote, a critic of the World Rankings Weekly rankings was quick to call the college's rise "an artifact of the rankings formula." Accepting only one student made Chimera College the most selective in the country and, as an Early Decision admit, it increased the college's yield to 100 percent. According to Quixote, "It's the statistics in the formula that put it at the top. It has nothing to do with educational quality."

A spokesman for World Rankings Weekly responded, "Talk about sour grapes! We have the statistics and statistics don't lie. At least ours don't."

A Chimera College spokesperson stated, "We aren't just more selective, we are also now a better college. For example, the average class size for our freshman will be very small. And we're expecting alumni donations to increase as well, and that proves we're good!"

Parents whose children were rejected by Chimera this year were distraught, but not speechless. Ms. Forlorne Hope, whose daughter Bess attends nearby Narcissus High School & Test Prep Center (school mascot, "The Trophy Hunter;" school motto, "our class has no bottom half"), echoed the cries of parents across the country, "If WE can't go to the BEST college in the country, then all of OUR hard work, curricular and extracurricular, is wasted. I'm so embarrassed, I can never go to another cocktail party." Bess's father Les, an attorney, added, "Who can I sue?"

Representatives from the other 20,000 secondary schools and 3,600 colleges in the country had no comment.

Brad MacGowan is the career center director and a counselor at Newton North High School (MA). He received a B.A. in psychology (1981), an Ed.M. in school counseling (1983), and an Ed.D. in developmental studies and counseling (2001) from Boston University (MA).