Grief Guidelines: 13 ways to Help a Grieving Person

AAACN Viewpoint, May/Jun 2005

We are all care providers. Whether you are a professional care provider or someone who wants to comfort a loved one in pain, you can learn how to accompany and support an anguished person on his or her "grief journey." Below are 13 ways to help a grieving person, excerpted from Helping Grieving People - When Tears Are Not Enough: A Handbook for Care Providers (Brunner-Routledge; 2005; ISBN: 0-415-94603-4; $39.95) by J. Shep Jeffreys, EdD, CT

Offer Yourself

Remember that you want to make a caring connection with the person who is grieving. The amount of time that you spend with him or her is less important than the quality of time. Don't appear rushed; avoid looking at your watch. Be fully present - look at the person and listen attentively. Let the grieving person know that he or she has been heard. If appropriate, offer to perform a simple task, like picking up some dry cleaning, buying some groceries, or changing television stations. Even the smallest offer to help will be appreciated.

Be Respectful

Let an ill person know that despite the circumstances, he or she is still a unique and valuable human being. Don't talk down to an ill person even if the behavior you observe has become childlike. If another person is in the room, look at and talk directly to the ill person when the conversation refers to him or her.

Become Comfortable with Silence

Quiet time together can be golden. There is no need to fill up every moment with conversation. Light a candle, set some flowers in a vase, listen to some music, or simply sit relaxed and wait for the person to speak.

Be a Skilled Listener

True listening connects you to the grieving person in a way that can bring a sense of acceptance and healing into the process. Make eye contact, maintain an attentive posture, and match the volume and speed of your voice to theirs. Refrain from asking too many questions and let them steer the conversation. Nod and affirm, saying words of encouragement. Provide a sounding board by reflecting back to them the meanings and feelings you hear them saying. People in grief and distress from illness want to be heard. They may need to tell their story over and over again, and sometimes the care provider may be the only one who is still a willing listener.

Normalize Practically Everything

Grieving people feel a wide range of emotions: confusion, helplessness, hopelessness, a sense of dread, and a feeling of being stuck in a nightmare without an end. They worry that they are going crazy. Often, they lose their appetite for food, sex, and/or entertainment. These reactions are all normal, and care providers need to normalize them. Assure people that what they are feeling is an unfortunate but usual part of the grief process and that the need to talk about it is normal as well. Say things like, "It's okay to feel this way," "Of course you're angry," "I would feel this way too," and "It's good to let those tears out." However, self-destructive, suicidal, or homicidal comments are to be taken seriously and referred for professional evaluation.

Avoid Judgment

Try to keep the "whys" or "shoulds" out of the conversation. If your loved one (or the person receiving your care) says, "It's hopeless," don't respond by saying, "You shouldn't feel that way." Also, don't allow your facial expressions, body language, or gestures to give away your thoughts. Be careful of the telltale "raised eyebrow," which signals judgment. Instead, acknowledge the person's expressions of helplessness and continue to listen. Keep in mind that we are entitled to every feeling we have; don't judge the person if he or she says something that strikes you as strange. Understand that cultural variations may account for diverse grief reactions.

Take Action! (Don't Do "Nothing!")

Help people who are bereaved to become active. They can write obituaries, plan the funeral, create other mourning rituals, block out schedules, send out acknowledgment cards, fill a vase with flowers on Mother's Day, invite special friends over to reminisce, make a donation in honor of the deceased, get into an exercise routine, and/or take a class. People grieving due to a serious or life-threatening diagnosis can research the latest developments concerning their illness, make a list of all the medical specialists who are conducting studies or research on their disease or condition, and locate local support groups related to their illness or loss situation. Doing "something" gives us a sense of control and purpose; it's a perfect antidote for feelings of helpless despair.

Don't Do Everything Yourself

Widen your circle of support. Identify social, spiritual, and health care resources. Locate family, friends, clergy, neighbors, colleagues, other care providers, and community services that can become part of the "team." Clergy and congregational members can be invaluable sources of support for the grieving-healing process. Don't try to fix everything - some issues may not require fixing while others can be put on hold. For example, it is not necessary to respond immediately to condolence cards. When the qrieving person's energy and inclination are there, writing such cards can be a useful action. If the person is exhausted, the care provider can help to legitimize putting off this task until he or she is physically and mentally ready to do so.