BLUE

Radical Society, Oct-Dec 2003 by Curtis, Rebecca

Dr. Blane: I'm waiting for this self-test kit I ordered.

Moll: I don't lick rugs, do you?

Dr. Blane: Some days when I get up my jewels don't look right. I get tired and I sleep too much. When I sleep too much I gain weight and when I gain weight my left jewel hurts and I worry so I need the kit.

Moll: Why don't you see a doctor?

Dr. Blane: But you're doing well. You're coming along. You're really a covey of lovelies.

Most days I lay on the floor and stared at the glow-stars a previous tenant had stuck on my ceiling. I think they spelled out a word, but I couldn't quite tell.

One night Dr. Blane entered my room. We sat not talking at first. On the street outside, a car went by. Then two more cars went by. Then a man on a bike went by.

So why did you start? Dr. Blane said.

I don't know, I said. I guess I was blue.

Sometimes Fm blue, Dr. Blane said.

The light grew dim outside the window. Two men riding one bike went by. I could almost see the moon.

What do you do? I said.

What do you mean? Dr.Blane said.

When you're blue, I said. What do you do when you're blue?

He sat up. I don't get blue, he said. I said it to make you feel good.

Oh, I said.

I was sitting on the floor. The room was dark. The crack between the door and the hall was a thin gold light. I turned my face toward the window so Dr. Blane wouldn't see. Then something like a spiderweb touched my hair. It was Dr. Blane.

Sometimes I look at photographs, he said. Mostly of people I haven't seen in years, like my ex-lovers, my ex-best friends from high school, my ex-best friends from college, my cousins, and my two older brothers. I keep them in the glove box of my car. I drive around and think about them for as long as I can, then I pull over and sit in my car and look until a cop tells me I shouldn't be parked on the side of the road anymore.

Oh, I said.

If you were going to look at photographs, Dr. Blane said, who would yours be of?

I thought about it. After ten minutes I thought of something but Dr. Blane had left the room.

After six months I got my sticker. Six other girls got their stickers too. Dr. Blane said I was now an ex-licker.

He said, I said things to you, and you said things to me, and that means I'm a person you said things to who said things back.

Then he said, Now you can wear some shoes, girl, he said, and walk on the rugs other fuckers lick.

I was sent to college. I got my own room. My room did not have a rug, but other rooms did. It's not like I didn't see them or anything. I knew they were there. I just didn't lick them.

I thought, My God! This whole time I let my life revolve around a secret foulhood, and liked it and let it make me think I was a special person, when really I was just a person who let her life revolve around a secret foulhood. My God, I thought, what an ego-person, thinking secret-secret made me better, when really it took all my time and body strength and made me foul.

I thought, I would like to be happy.

I bought some blue eye shadow and put it on and went to a party. There were bodies everywhere, and red and blue lights shooting backwards and forwards like fish in a bowl. It was great! A man with a brown beard walked up to me. The man put his hand in his pocket. I put my hand in my pocket. Then the man leaned against the wall. I leaned against the wall too.