I Can't Believe He Didn't Pick Me!

National Dragster, Jan 30, 2004 by Frey, Bob

First things first: Happy New Year, and how about those Philadelphia Eagles going to the Super Bowl!? Now if the "Birds" have already lost before you read this, please remember to take it easy on me since I wrote this before their first playoff game. Okay, before their second playoff game. Still, it's been fun watching the Eagles play, and since there wasn't a lot of drag racing news in the off-season, well, football was a real diversion.

The one big topic of discussion in the drag racing world over the winter centered around the champ, I mean the former champ, John Force. With the champ, Tony Pedregon, leaving the champ's camp, I mean the former champ's camp, to form his own team, John suddenly had an opening for a driver. Well it seems that every person in the free world who had a driver's license applied for the job, and so did a bunch of folks who didn't even have that much going for them: When asked what kind of competition license he had, one applicant promptly and proudly showed John his license from the Malibu Grand Prix in New Jersey (exit 4 for you wise guys). When John called me and asked if I could check on this particular applicant, I told him that the track was closed down six years ago to make room for what we really needed in the state, another "jug handle," so the license probably wasn't current. It turned out that it wasn't current, but that didn't really matter since it also wasn't his, so John said, "Thanks but no thanks," which is what the taxpayers of New Jersey should have said to the jug handle.

The list of applicants was large indeed, and although all of the names will never be released, I am allowed to tell you about some of the potential drivers and why they didn't get the job. The first one, a cab driver from New York City, thought that it sounded exciting, but when he learned that he'd have to slow down from his normal driving speeds, he quickly took his name out of consideration. Another cabbie wanted the gig, but when told that he couldn't bring his beaded chair and incense along, he, too, quietly withdrew his name. A third cab driver almost made the final cut, but when John had the guy do an interview and he responded as most New York cab drivers do, well, you can imagine where that went. Actually, being the nice guy that he is, John told that man that he'd keep his name on file, then suggested that he call Lee Beard. What a guy, huh?

Not all of the applicants were men. One enterprising young lady sent John a video of herself and a friend that John seemed to enjoy, but before he could get back to her, she had gotten her own television show. On behalf of John, we'd all like to wish Ms. Hilton the best of luck, and just in case that television career doesn't work out (duh!), 1 believe that John still has your video. On a personal note, after watching her show, I think that she should have pursued the driving career, and I hear there's an opening at the Malibu Grand Prix in New Jersey.

Another young lady who tried to get the job was turned down because, well, let's just say that size does matter when it comes to driving a Funny Car, and John and his crew chiefs really didn't think that she was serious about losing the 10 or 70 pounds she needed to lose in order to fit in the pits, I mean, the car! Again, on behalf of everyone, we'd like to wish Anna Nicole the best of luck in whatever it is that she does.

There were also a few older applicants, including one John really liked. This guy lives in Florida, but it seemed that he only had experience driving a dragster and John didn't want to have to teach him how to drive. Besides, he kept saying things like, "When I was your age, we didn't have no stinkin' Funny Cars." Right then, John knew the guy must be a little "off." After all, weren't there always Funny Cars? And then there was this guy who said that he'd driven both dragsters and Funny Cars but that if he got the job, John would have to call him "King." And drink Bud! John could handle the Bud part, but I'm pretty sure there's only one "king" in that pit area, so the search continued.

Others who were given the "thanks but no thanks" talk included the Top Fuel driver who fell out of his car at 200 miles per hour, the dragster driver who did his best burnout (in reverse) and ran into the timing tower, and the Funny Car driver who once put on another guy's firesuit and drove his car at a match race because the real driver got lost on his way to the track. Hard to believe that John didn't consider any of them, isn't it? Harder still to believe that all of those things actually happened to real drivers, and that's why I'm stunned that John never called me to drive his car.

That's it for now, I'll see you at the races in John's pit area.

Oh, by the way, no part of this article may be reproduced without the express, written permission of Anna Nicole Smith, Rickie Smith, Rick Stewart, John Stewart, Larry Stewart, Stewart Everest, Stu McDade, Dave McClelland, Dave Slatten, Dave DeAngelis, and Eric Medien - especially Eric Medien.