Homophobia--hate's last refuge?

Montessori Life, Spring 2003 by Powell, Mark

It is at seven years that one may note the beginning of an orientation toward moral questions, toward the judgment of acts. One of the most curious characteristics to be observed is the interest that occurs in the child when he begins to perceive things which he previously failed to notice .The great problem of Good and Evil now confronts him .The seven-to-twelve-year-old period, then, constitutes one of particular importance for moral education. The adult must be aware of the evolution that is occurring in the mind of the child at this time and adapt his methods to conform with it .... To think that the problem of morality only occurs later is to overlook the change that is already going on. Later, the moral problem becomes a good deal more difficult unless the child has been helped during this sensitive period. Social adaptations will become more thorny. It is at this age also that the concept of justice is born, simultaneously with the understanding of the relationship between one's acts and the needs of others. -Montessori (1973, p. 12)

If I were to tell parents of children in my 6-to-9-year-old classroom that several of their children had been heard using racist epithets to belittle one another, I'd have to guess that there would probably be no argument that some kind of antibias work is called for. True, in broadly general terms, it's undoubtedly still a lot safer and less complicated in most parts of America today to be white than it is to be any other color. But membership in the Klan is no longer something to boast about openly in Massachusetts in 2003. And in the last year, many Americans have spoken out publicly to let it be known that racially motivated attacks against Arab Americans are not acceptable responses to attacks by Islamic extremists.

If I were to tell parents that some children in my classroom had been made to feel unwelcome or unworthy by other children because their families were not able to afford vacations in Europe or the latest toys or clothes, there would probably be no argument either that this sort of classist intolerance should not go unchallenged. After all, in America every child has the chance of growing up to be president, right? (Although I suppose he'd certainly stand a better chance if he were white!) Neither can I imagine any debate about what to do if boys were overheard at recess telling girls that they can not join their soccer game because girls don't play well.

No such luck! In my first month as a male elementary teacher in a new community that I am just getting to know, I was handed the most prickly of the big four to deal! There are many ways that people are different from one another, some of them innate, some learned, some of them celebrated and honored, some ignored or overlooked, and some of them stigmatized. Historically and socially speaking, four of the most powerful distinctions that people have used to label, separate, and hurt one another are race, class, gender, and sexual preference. Of these distinctions, the latter is perhaps the most widely misunderstood, and the one that is talked about in public the least.

Yes, I do believe that the existence of gay men and lesbian women, and the issues they face in terms of the different family structures they create, are appropriate topics for discussion with early elementary children. There are children in our neighborhoods who come from families with same-gender parents, and any of our children may someday be invited over for a play date at the house of such an "alternative family." Or they may find themselves working with a member of such an alternative family when they get older. They may even one day want to start such a family themselves. Based on national statistics, it's likely that every child has (or someday will have) an uncle, cousin, neighbor, friend, sibling, child, or parent who is gay. But, given a choice, I would not have decided to bring up this controversial issue quite so early in the year or in my relationship with this community. Unfortunately, as we all know, when children have a need, they don't always wait for the most convenient time to bring it to the attention of the adults who care for them. Nor do they always bother toning down their words for the sake of social nicety or political correctness!

"Gross! Boys can't like boys. You're gay!" and "Ew! Boys don't do that. You're a girl!" are just a couple of the more choice comments I've heard tossed around openly between children of both genders in my classroom so far this year. Only children know what gets said in the private swirl of voices and games that happen at recess. Sideways looks and disdainful glances speak as loudly as words, but the hurt they inflict leaves even less of a trace. Homophobic comments are intended to shame and hurt people in the eyes of their peers, and boys are almost always their target. With techniques like these, the identities of our boys-and girls' expectations of them-are molded within narrow confines. Children teach each other that boys can be funny but not tender, smart but not compassionate, strong but never fragile, angry but never sad. They are taught that showing emotion, especially affection, is a form of weakness reserved for girls, and that the only time boys should touch is during physical competition or while in combat. And they certainly may never paint their nails, wear jewelry, dance ballet, or sing sweetly as they rock a doll to sleep in their arms! Left alone with these prejudices, boys learn lessons that contribute to the discomfort that many grown men feel in social situations when women (or alcohol) are not present to break the ice. Homophobia robs boys of possibilities in their lives and intimacy in their friendships and marriages. It is part of the reason that boys in large numbers are still less likely to choose careers (like teaching) that emphasize caring and nurturing, even while the career options open to girls continue to widen.