Bonding

Montessori Life, Fall 2003 by Uzzell, Charles M

At a close look, Maria Montessori's writings are astounding because of her deep yet wide-ranging focus. She seems to have thought of every thing and we, struggling in the field to implement her pedagogy, can only briefly glimpse the truths she seems to have absorbed so easily.

Montessori's developmental theories cover the entirety of human life from conception through death. A common thread in all of her work is that we must have independence from, yet simultaneously bond with, our fellow beings. We are social creatures.

Meanwhile, the child literally grows inside a container that is another human (Montanaro, 1991). It is difficult to imagine a closer bond than the development of the human being inside the womb, a stage that culminates in the ultimate act of separation: birth. For the first 6 to 8 weeks of the new life, the newborn and the new mother enjoy a symbiosis as an "attached couple" (Larsen, 1995, personal communication).

In order to receive milk and sufficient care the child must be "attached" many times a day to the mother. It is this repeated experience of separation and attachment that gives the child the possibility of discovering the advantages of a new life while continuously being reassured that some of the important points of reference from the past are still present. (Montanaro, 1991, p. 42)

The alternation between separation and attachment is one of the beginning points of our independence as human beings and our first lesson in bonding.

A few cultures do not value independence; their children are kept close and must obey some central authority figure. The children have not experienced separation. While we may accept this as a multicultural difference, Montessori believed that all people should become physically and psychologically independent. It is the essential aspect of our human journey.

Separation is one of our most important lessons (Larsen, 1995, personal communication). A healthy separation must be undertaken from a secure, bonded relationship to a primary caregiver. This lesson seems to be continually thrust upon us as we go through the various stages of development. In a sense, our own death is the final lesson in separation, complete detachment from our bodies.

The newborn and the mother are a bonded couple. The toddler demands independence and freedom of movement, while simultaneously requiring extended periods of bonding through touch. Even the 3-to-6-year-old exploring the environment is seen to refuel by periodically checking in with an emotional anchor. The teenage years, a return to the uncertainties, hormonal surges, and physical changes that usually describe toddlerhood, are characterized by wild shifts between absolute attachment to parents and absolute independence from them. Ask any "empty nester" parent and you will find that, even then, the parent is bonded to the child who is now away at college.

Any disruption in our bonding lessons, our experiments with attachment and separation, may cause various social, emotional, or educational difficulties. For example, if a child transfers an obsessive attachment to the teacher or another child, he might not get the education he needs. He grows up leaning on and depending upon others, unable to feel strong and secure. In another example, if the teacher is related to the child, it can be difficult for the child, who might think, "Here comes my mom and she didn't say anything." In a training session in 1995, Grazia Fresca Honeggar suggested that the parent-teacher say something special to her/his own child, quietly, and then move on to other classroom tasks (Larsen, 1995, personal communication).

We cannot know what fears a child may possess. If we punish a child for misbehaving, it may cause fear to grow. A child without the power of concentration is worse off than the child who is aggressive. And the child who is dependent has a little bit of death inside him, so we must take care not to give useless help. Let the child have independence. We teachers get pleasure when a child is attached, but we must give distance so the child can grow and explore.

Some categories (stages) of the bonding process are quite interesting, and are only just now beginning to be understood in the larger public eye. For example, it seems that we begin to learn a sort of independence while in utero as soon as each successive sense perception matures. The first sense to be fully realized is the sense of touch. It establishes our place in the world, within real space, and allows us to communicate directly with another human being. We are literally attached to the mother as we grow and develop in utero, and the hands appear to explore that environment and have been observed to move near the fetus's face.

Bonding is the process whereby a newborn human or animal attaches and interacts with its parents, primary caregiver, or first-seen object in the environment (imprinting). Bonding is necessary for future separation to be successful. Montessori's fundamental idea for the newborn is that the more nurtured, loved, and protected is the newborn and infant, the better life the person will have (Montessori, 1967).