At Risk of Getting Nailed

Nevada RNformation, Aug 2004

Name withheld

Editors note: The Nevada Nurses Association asks that letters to the editor be signed and attributable. In certain instances, we will consider maintaining confidentiality of an author if the piece is deemed to provide merit of a high level for our readers. We have honored that request with the publication of the following piece.

I have considered sharing this message with nurses for a long time. For a number of reasons I have refrained from broaching the subject because in some circles even the mere mention of this topic carries with it a tainted taboo. But you are nurses. And as nurses, you understand this topic. You've received education on it, you've visited with patients about it, perhaps you've even experienced it yourself, or know someone close to you who has.

So why should I be so concerned about the mere mention of this topic? Why is it that as I sit at the keyboard, I can see the word in my minds eye, yet my fingers are reluctant to perform the nine keystrokes necessary to reveal it to you? It's almost as if the message transmitted from my brain gets jumbled up in a logjam as it travels down to my wrists; and unless I opt to peck out this topic with my nose, you may never know the simple three syllable word which creates for me such angst.

OK....deep cleansing breath...serenity prayer...here I go: The word is...

"Fingernail"

Have I confused you, gentle reader? Allow me explain. For the most part, people who know me, find me to be conservative in appearance. I am a "forty-something" male Registered Nurse. I dress and present myself professionally. I have well groomed hair, and when it comes to body piercing and tattoos, I have neither.

That is until now. I am about to reveal for the nursing world of Nevada to see.. .my pinkie fingernail.

"There better be a darn good explanation, for this," 23,000 Nevada Nursing voices say in unison, "Fingernail!? You call this topic a tainted taboo? You say that, as a nurse, I understand this topic? You say that I've visited with patients about it, possibly experienced it myself or know someone close to you who has? Incidentally, did you notice that 'fingernail' takes 1.0 keystrokes and not nine?! You better start making sense and do it real quick!"

Ok, ok, settle down now. You're right. You are all right. It's not my fingernail that has been laced with miracle grow that I want to tell you about. It is what my fingernail represents that I need to share with you. There is a good explanation, and yes it can be explained in another three-syllable word. And it's time that I share with you the real word. And that word is....

"Addiction"

You see, I have an illness. To be more precise, I have two illnesses...a dual diagnosis of obsessive compulsive disorder and addiction. It's something that I've had for a long time. Throughout my diagnosis I have had my good days and I have had my bad months. And right now I'm glad to say that I'm in the midst of a couple of good years.

In fact, there's even a visual way that you can measure the length of my abstemiousness.. just take a look at that fingernail.

You see, I use my fingernail as a constant reminder and self-motivator to refrain from the negative behaviors that have caused me so much grief .in the past. The fingernail serves as my worry-stone. Any time I get a "craving" or a dark thought flashes through my mind, a quick brushing of my thumb over the top of the nail reassures me that all is right in the world.

The nail also reminds me just how fragile my condition can be. Just as easily as I can break that nail, is as easily as I can break my abstention from addiction. Have I ever broken my nail? Yes, both figuratively and literally. And it takes an anguishingly long time to grow it back. Both figuratively and literally.

For me, it would be really easy to assess most of the blame for my illness on the OCD.

I could just go around telling people that I'm having one of those OCD days. You know the ones...when a message runs over and over in your head like a phonograph needle that's stuck on the chorus of "Sugar, Sugar" from an old 45 rpm of The Archie's. The only trouble is, the voices that kept running through my mind were not that of Betty, Veronica and Reggie.. .It was more like the aptly named Jughead bellowing out a slobbery solo of "Smirnoff, Smirnoff."

Assessing the blame on OCD would not be fair. In fact, it would minimize my own appreciation and recognition of the real problem... addiction.

Suppose we address some of our questions now:

In some circles is this topic considered a tainted taboo? Darn right, those who suffer from the illness of chemical addiction are often shamed for their illness. I am heartened that the state board of nursing has pondered their practice of publicly disciplining and publishing the names of nurses who suffer from an illness.

As a nurse, I understand this topic and I've likely visited with patients about it. My trust is that you do understand it, and that you act with sensitivity and objectivity to the fact that it is an illness.